Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Surrendering the Dream--Let it go

So, there are moments in life in which you have to accept that a dream is coming to an end, and you didn't even realize you were sleeping.

The world of work is difficult. There are a billion things we all would like to be doing everyday, and in the perfect world, we'd find a way to get paid for all of them. Most of the time, we end up sacrificing something in order to pay a bill, have a roof over our heads, and shoes on our feet. But, hopefully, we don't hate what we do in order to meet those needs.

I've been guilty of putting all of my eggs into one basket, multiple times. I've been guilty of believing in things that sometimes didn't believe in me back.

The first time around, I was going to be a journalist or writer. I still love to write, and I still hope one day that doing so will be a larger part of my existence than it is. For one, I know it will take far more discipline than I have now, and a wellspring of energy that I don't have most days. For two, being successful at it, will require that I find people who believe in me as much as I sometimes believe in myself.

The second time around, I realized that the first basket wasn't going to help me meet the needs of bills, roofs, or shoes. So, I fell in love with an idea, and went back to school to become a veterinary technician. I still believe in the idea with which I fell in love, but it took me a while to recognize that idea didn't necessarily believe in, or love me as much.

I had allowed myself to be consumed by what I do, what I thought I should be, and what I thought I had the chance to become. In the process, I forgot that I was more than all of those things. I think we all do that a little bit when we don't have anything on the outside to anchor us to the ground and remind us who we are while we are reaching so high for those possibilities we may always be left...reaching for.

Very recently it took a year and a half of being knocked to the ground (hard) repeatedly for me to realize who I am, and who I want to be. I'm still not there yet, but everyday, I think I see myself a little more clearly. I see when I start to slip and let all the other wind in my world blow me around, and I mistakenly think myself powerless to stand against it. I forget that we all have power...power of self, it's just a matter of choosing to use that power in our lives when we really need to.

What do I mean by that? It's not a simple answer. Sometimes it means that we say "yes" when we want to say "no," because we know the currency we stand to gain. Sometimes it means that when we leave work, we really leave it there. Sometimes it means we accept that what's good, outweighs the bad for us, and we are doing more than paying bills, keeping roofs over our heads, or shoes on our feet. What's good are the friendships we build with people who share common struggles, values and hopes. What's good is the satisfaction that we do it better than most. What's good is knowing that someone waits for us at home--four-legged or two, and even if nobody else we encounter all day believes in us, they do. Sometimes the power of "self" means we know when a dream has been just that, and we are worth more than that dream to ourselves and the people who love us. And even when waking up from that dream hurts like hell, we're going to be all right.

Being aware of "self" means you have the power to recognize what's worthwhile in your life, no matter what else might be happening around you. There's always something worthwhile, and you always had some part in making that happen. There's always something to believe in--it's you.

I have a friend going through a tough time today. A day of disillusionment and loss. Tough places to be. It's a painful to wake up from dreams, but just as hard to have the feeling that somehow, you were asleep along the way, and that you've given so much of yourself over to a non-wakeful state. Letting go is never easy. But when you let go, you find, you can...let it go...surrender.


Bad--U2

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Friends Need and Love You, Even at Your Worst.

So, a friend recently reminded me of something I already knew: friendship means you're there for the long hauls, and the illogically sad moments, just as much as you are there for the incredibly joyful ones. And surprisingly, in those moments, sometimes they need you just as much or more.

It's been a long summer, filled with more downs than ups, and it seems, in some ways to have dragged on way too long. Getting passed the emotional upheaval of loss is difficult when it's so deeply tied to your physical being; especially when your physical being is extraordinarily abnormal.

I've written about the miscarriage Jeph and I suffered over the summer, but I haven't written about the frustrations associated with how long it takes to become whole again. The one positive situation to come out of the process is that my ambivalence about motherhood is resolved. But we haven't been able to start over, and it still may be several months before we can. No one ever tells you that, but then again, everyone's situation is different.

We chose our path. We chose to wait until we were really ready before we tried. We chose to be at least 10 years older than most other couples before taking this leap. I often find myself in a world of women who chose more wisely, and who are starting their families long before the odds are against their success. Sometimes, that's difficult.

A dear friend of mine who suffered major obstacles in having her daughter, and only succeeded through in vitro, recently posted something on her Facebook page about the feelings you have when everyone else around you can get pregnant and stay pregnant without additional help. I certainly have not yet found myself having to go down the many difficult roads of seeking help for infertility, but I identified greatly with the feelings on that list.

And even as I admit my feelings, I know how unfair they are. It's nobody's fault that I had a miscarriage, and it's nobody's fault that we cannot yet try again. It's not fair that I sometimes feel so overwhelmed by the loss when I am surrounded by people who deservedly are experiencing so much joy.

I had such a day recently. I had an opportunity to go to lunch with a couple of really great friends, both of whom are expecting. One of those friends has played a major role in helping me get through the worst of the pain. The other friend is one with whom I also have shared some very difficult and life altering moments. And yet, I found myself in such a dark place, I just couldn't bring myself to go.

About a week later, the latter of those two friends helped me realize my mistake. In the moment I fled the scene, I thought I was protecting the two of them from my unfair feelings of sadness, and that they were better off not having to deal with me. I didn't want any of my feelings to take anything away from them, and I was afraid that's what would happen.

My friend has been going through some ups and downs with her pregnancy, and reached out to me. I explained to her what I had been feeling that day, and she told me she wished I had just talked to her. As I talked my way through the feelings I was having, and the difficulties in the process I have been going through, I came to understand that I had been a terrible friend--not because I was sad, but because I didn't share it. My friend needed me as much in my heartbreak as she needs me in my joy.

It's hard to share the bad with people. It's hard to feel like you won't be bringing them down. It's especially hard when there is guilt attached to those feelings. But if your friends are truly your friends, they don't want you to hide from them--no matter what.

That's hard to remember in the moment. And I'm not going to say that I will always get it right. But, I'm going to try to remind myself that I am not just the feeling I am having at any given moment. I am still the person I always have been. I always have something to share. Sadness and experience do not define us, they refine us.

Shake it Out--Florence + The Machine