So, friendship is a precariously fragile and slippery thing.
I think it would be an overstatement to refer to myself as a loner, but I have always had a relatively small circle of friends. I would compare that circle to the ripples left behind when a raindrop hits the water. The ripples near the center are the deepest, and the farther the ripples get away from the center, the more superficial. That doesn't mean I don't care about you ripples out on there on the edge, but I'm willing to bet that if you're one of my outer ripples, I am probably one of yours. It doesn't hurt my feelings to be out there on the edge, and I hope that you aren't hurt by being off in the distance for me either. At least we both have a place in each others' lives.
Occasionally, life happens. It interjects itself into our day-to-day, and as a result, the ripples seem to get disturbed. I think we mostly don't even know why. I think it's probably fairly rare for some major event to occur that completely disintegrates the circle, and more frequent that little things create distance over time, until all of the ripples seem to be of the same depth.
It's only when we realize that our circle isn't intact that we feel the hurt of it being damaged, because friendship is so precious. We believe in it like we believe in whatever religion we subscribe to. If we can count on a higher power, friendship is at least one embodiment of what that higher power might look like. It's the support system we need in times of trouble. It's the place in which we share joy at times of celebration. It is our "church." Or at least it's mine. I'm guilty of believing in it so much that I believe when I most need it, it will always be there, because that's how I practice this "faith" myself.
In the last year, I've had friendships jump from one ring to the next, and in some cases disappear from the ripples completely. I've had ripples on the outside make their way through tumultuous storms to find their way to the center, and sadly, then back out again.
I think this happens because sometimes, we just know each other enough to become friends, but not well enough to stay friends when things get tough. When "life" happens, we fall out of the habit of thinking about each other and who we are. Little irritations, or shifts become like grains of sand in an oyster shell. They layer and layer until we have this giant pearl of confusion, hurt and eventually--distance. It's easier to become friends in the first place, than it is to repair friendship when it gets broken. And I think friendship gets broken because we forget what we know about the other person.
I had a conversation with someone from my inner ripples today. We've had distance between us for several months, and I have been heartsick about it. Life happened, and instead of behaving the we normally would, we didn't. She didn't recognize in the way she once did that I was hurting and troubled, and that I needed her as much as ever. And I didn't trust that she would understand.
And so we retreated away from each other instead of holding tightly to each other. She thought I was angry with her. I thought she no longer cared for me. We were both wrong, and unable to bridge the distance before it stretched out as far as our eyes could see.
In a couple of days, I'm having dinner with another friend with whom I have been out of touch for some time. It has taken a long time for us to start finding the direction back to each other. I think if we can get to know the things about each other that made us close to begin with, that ripple might survive the disturbance of the rough winds of the past. At the very least, we're taking steps.
It gives me hope. After all, Confucius said that "a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." Friendship is precarious, fragile and slippery. Sometimes we hurt each other and as a result, our faith in each other takes a hit. If friendship is a part of the "faith" I practice, then I hope returning to friendship is my faith's equivalent to the parable of the "Prodigal Son."
http://youtu.be/UskSU5BoyZs
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