So, I found myself wandering around, somewhat aimlessly, at Target today. I was killing time while I had some prescriptions filled. I picked up a few things, including cheese, which I now seem to have been obsessively craving for days. I ran across something in the girls' clothing department that kind of bothered me.
Hanging on a rack was a cute little blouse with eye-glasses over a heart and a slogan that read "I love nerds." On the one hand, it's a sweet sentiment on the other hand, what?!
Now, I have been a nerd pretty much all my life. Nerd has several definitions and means different things to different people. For me, it meant that I learned to read and write fairly quickly and I adored school with the exception of math. As previously stated, I was never into any sports. By the time I hit eighth grade, I was wearing glasses just to be able to see the blackboard. I read Agatha Christie novels, "Dragonlance" novels and was endlessly trying to check out the book "Mein Kampf" because I was a total World War II freak. (I still don't know why it was always checked out in our high school library.)
Needless to say, I didn't exactly run with the popular crowd. My personal twist was to start wearing primarily black and white by the time I was a junior in high school, and given a very controlling and sheltered home life, I didn't date or go out with friends much. At one point, an ex-boyfriend actually referred to me as 'one of those easy, greasy peace people.' I'm not completely sure what he meant by that, but I am pretty sure it was nothing nice. He read "Dragonlance" novels too, but I think he forgot that when he tried out for the wrestling team and got a letter man's jacket.
As early as I started to love school, I realized that I wasn't a popular kid. In second grade there was a girl I greatly admired and esteemed--sadly, she was a complete snob. She had one of those really cool 'satin' jackets of the time that was color blocked and had a roller skate applique on it. She wore a pink, floor length formal dress for our group picture day. And she had these really awesome tall boots with a pocket on the outsides. It's probably her fault that I endlessly covet tall boots that will fit over my calves. Damn her!
Sometimes, she acted like I was one of her friends. Other times, I was not nearly cool enough to be in her circle. I remember one day she asked me how I felt and for whatever reason, I answered that I wasn't feeling too hot. She responded "That's because you're not." I was 'lucky' enough to be invited to her birthday bunkin' party that year. I didn't have a really cool sleeping bag or anything like that, just a pillow and blanket. I felt really awkward there with all of her awesome friends, and her fancy party. I was too embarrassed to tell anyone I had to go to the bathroom and I didn't know where it was in their giant maze of a house, so I peed my pants overnight. Without revealing my shameful secret, I said I wanted to go home and luckily, my step-dad came to get me and didn't so much chastise me for my soiled bedding.
That little top in the little girls' section probably would have fit someone in my second grade class. This many years later, even though life has probably "equalized" us in most respects, the sting of her snobbery and harsh words was fresh when I saw that little shirt. I'm pretty sure I never saw anything like that in any children's section when I was six or seven. That girl in my class didn't need help learning how to differentiate who was 'cool' and who was 'not.' Imagine how much more sophisticated her insults might have been if she'd had that kind of retail assistance.
Jeph and I are considering having a child of our own. I'm pretty sure he would agree that he was a member of the "cult of nerd" growing up. We savor the fact that our nerdiness and lack of popularity put us in a different social category--'most likely to succeed.' And to this day, I read goofy fantasy novels; become obsessed with weird, geeky styles; and fail to listen to the cool music. I'm okay with that. I think I'm a little more well-liked than I was as a kid. The circle of people I find myself in seems to be one that works to know who I am, instead of stopping at my quirkiness. But I worry. What if our child is a nerd? What if there's a girl or boy in second grade that treats our little Apoc the way that girl treated me?
In second grade, I didn't know I was a 'nerd,' I only knew that it hurt when people didn't include me, teased me, and made me feel unworthy of their friendship. I wasn't smart enough to understand that actually, they weren't worthy of mine.
Being a nerd is just one kind of 'person' you can be in school, or life in general. It seems to me, having such a classification called out on a piece of clothing for children sends the wrong message. Yeah, I know, it said "I love Nerds," but for a child that age, wouldn't it be better for it to say "I love my friends?"
It's just a thought.
Defying Gravity--Idina Menzel and Kristin Chenoweth
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