Since I bought the ring, I occasionally see advertisements in magazines for jewelers selling flashy, bejeweled rings designed for a woman's right hand. These rings are supposed to be a statement about the owner's personal independence and freedom to live her life. Like a lot of women, I'm enamored of the right hand rings in those pictures. I'm a little bit of a jewelry nut, so why wouldn't I be attracted to a little bling?When Jeph and I first started talking about the prospect of getting married nearly 17 years ago, I was just graduating from college, and he had his first job out of grad school. Paying rent was more important than saving a couple months' salary for a big rock to put on my left hand. We picked a marquis diamond solitaire that he could afford to make payments on, and I picked out a wrap in which I could have our birthstones set. I didn't know much about picking out a ring. I didn't know what to look for in the way of durability. I just picked out something I thought was pretty, and that I could turn into something meaningful.
Sadly, my lack of knowledge netted me a ring that wouldn't hold up. I repeated lost stones out of my wrap, and had to have it repaired multiple times, and even replaced. Over several years of battling this infernally beautiful ring that wouldn't last, I gave up. I stashed the wrap out of sight in a box, because I couldn't wear it, and I couldn't bear to see it sitting around and not on my left hand.
Eventually, Jeph and I agreed that we would get the ring replaced, and I found a fantastic jeweler to work with. We designed something really special that reflected my Celtic sensibility, and I was assured that this ring would be built to withstand the type of work I do on a day to day basis. A year or so after I got my new ring, Jeph took it in to have it cleaned and he had an oft used phrase engraved on the inside of it for me: "Nation of two."
Over the years of our marriage, we had come to realize that in times of struggle and in times of joy, we were together. We would get through those tough times, and enjoy those fantastic times together. Sure, we have friends and family, but at the end of the day, our life together is ours. We are a "nation of two."
When I bought that little, silver ring with Jeph's name on it, it was another ring I chose. And I wear it on the finger those magazine ads suggest should be the one signifying that I still have my freedom and independence--as if to say that the one I wear on my left hand is the one I wear signifying my sense of being tied to my husband.
I suppose it depends on how you look at it. And I suppose that there are as many different kinds of marriages as there are rings to be worn. Over the weekend, I was thinking about my ring fingers and what the rings I wear mean to me. I am very fortunate. The marriage I find myself in is one based on partnership and commonalities, but it is also based on a knowledge that we are two equal and separate individuals. I grew up watching my mother's first marriage--specifically the struggle of her husband to control her, and her struggle not to be controlled.
Those struggles are not a part of my reality. For that I am grateful. In my jewelry box, there is a tiny little ring with two entwined hearts. Each heart has a tiny little diamond chip. This was the promise ring my mother's first husband gave to her. This pretty little ring I fell in love with as a girl, is now a symbol of promises broken--a ring that was intended to be a symbol of my mother's submission to a man who needed to feel he was in control. I still think it's pretty, but I am wise enough to understand that even the most visually beautiful things can be dark and deceptive.
Love, and the symbols we use to mark each other, should always be like those rings in the right ring finger ads. Love shouldn't bind us. Yes, it makes us responsible to each other, but only because we want to be. It should make us hope for each other and the happiness of one another. It should be an opportunity to share a lifetime, but also to support and work toward each others' dreams. Love should understand that when we commit to each other, we do not discard ourselves.
When I look at the rings on both of my hands, I know that I have a fortune that not everyone gets to realize. I have two rings that are just like those right hand ring ads, and so much more. They're symbols of my chosen partner in life, and symbols of the freedom I feel in loving him.
Everyone should be able to look at the rings on their fingers and feel so lucky.
The Book of Love--A cover by Peter Gabriel
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