This post is about last night, but it's not a manifesto about Taylor Swift. It's a manifesto about feelings.
In recent months, T-Swift has been catching plenty of flack herself. Critics and many ordinary folk have noticed that she has a pattern of dating and dropping, then writing songs about it. What was surprising to me is that she actually addressed this pattern, and more subtly the criticism. She made no apology for falling in and out of love and using her craft to process all of it.
It occurred to me as she stood up there seeming to explain herself for what most of us experienced sans limelight, that it was a little bit unfair and that the expectation that she would handle her life any differently was almost ridiculous. True, she has chosen a life in the spot light and in doing so, her every blunder is subject to millions of eyes. But when I think of the average 20-something and their standard string of dating failures, is it really so remarkable that she's having failures too? None of us would even know about it, except for the fact that she is famous. Not many of us make our personal "diary entries" public. But that's what creative people do. They process things through their craft. Most of us who craft just don't get to be famous for doing it. That's what makes her different. Taylor Swift may be a multi-millionaire, and she may live a life that the
rest of us can only dream of, but her pain is no less painful. In the same moment that I was impressed with her open conversation with a crowd of tweens who really couldn't care less about what other people think about her, I thought of a conversation I had had with a friend I am getting to know better just yesterday afternoon. She asked about my week and about some ups and downs my little family and I have been experiencing. She then shared with me a challenge she and her husband are trying to deal with. Immediately following that share, she was quick to say that her problem was not as significant as what I have on my plate.
Over the years, I have come to believe something a little "out there." I used to feel guilty for moments I wasn't supremely happy about my life. I used to compare my pain and my problems to those of other people. It's almost like I was punishing myself for feeling things. I don't know what makes us do that. The one thing I know for sure is that everyone is fighting their own internal battle with something. We just don't always realize it or see it. And one person's pain isn't any less than another's.
People who are doing battle often can't take time to look out of their own windows. They are too busy trying to arm themselves and develop weaponry against being injured even more. It makes them very difficult to be around, and so most people reach a point where they stop trying to look in.
What many of us don't realize is that there's usually a way around or through that armor, and the person inside probably wants us to get in. Sometimes those routes are as simple as expressing care, or taking steps to remind those people who they really are. Many times, in the midst of being clobbered repeatedly by demons, they have long forgotten who they mean to be.
A few weeks ago, another friend took a step toward me, even as my armor was still in place. She asked how I was doing. For a moment, I was disarmed. For a moment, I put my weapons away and told her what I was going through and what was happening to my little family, and I confessed that I hadn't been coping well and handling myself around others as well I should be. She said she wished there was something she could do to help. In the moment, I realized that she just had, and I told her so. Surprisingly, just a few words that made me feel like someone actually cared made a huge difference to me. I actually think about that conversation every single day. Though I had the opportunity to tell her yesterday how much that conversation had meant to me, I don't think there's any way I can really express it to her.
While more abrupt, I think sometimes throwing a rock at someone's armor can have a similar effect. During all these months of battle and armory, I have forgotten the person I usually am. I have forgotten that everyone is going through things. I have forgotten how to look out my own windows. It might have been painful, but sometimes, a verbal slap to the side of the head can wake us up and remind us who we are. It can help us start to remember the world outside of our own pain.
My challenge to those who see people arming themselves and fighting their own demons is this: if you care about someone and you see them slipping away from themselves, throw them a line. Find a way. If you don't you can lose them forever, and just as bad, they can lose you.
Taylor Swift talked about the feelings she writes about, and while it's a little gimmicky and "out there" she described them as "red." Obviously, her current album title, and a single from said album. But when I think about it, when red is around, you can't get away from it. Red is an in your face color. When I reach for lipstick, it's the color I always take pause with, because you can't wear it without a little bit of gumption. Red is hot, burning and engulfing. Most of the feelings we experience the most intensely are as well. Love, pain, anger, embarrassment, defeat. It's all about the way our souls are burning every moment.
Most of us try to hide what we're going through. We try to keep our battles to ourselves. We want people to believe that we are somehow making it. The reality is, when we aren't making it, everything is red. Everyone sees it, even if we are trying not to see it.The difference between most of us and Taylor Swift is she is living her "red" out in the open for all of us to see. Being creative is a sort of turning inside out of your soul. Whether you like her brand of pop-bubble-gummie music or not, she owns it and she shamelessly bares her soul. As someone who writes, that's exactly what I strive to do. We may do it in very different ways, but to stand out, sometimes you have to wear your red like a banner.
I'm planning to wear red lipstick tonight.
Red--Taylor Swift
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