It's time to look at being happy as a responsibility.

So, I was talking to my best friend about the responsibility of happiness last week. I don't think that idea is something we often consider. Most of us just think that it would be nice to be happy. It never dawns on us that being happy is a component of being healthy. Oddly, it seems that being part of a relationship often discourages us from pursuing individual happiness, because we don't believe that idea can coexist with supporting our partner's well being.

I have frequently explored the ideas of taking risks and seeking one's own path to happiness. But I've never explored what these things might mean within a relationship. I suppose it's because I always think of these ideals within the context of being an individual. As someone who is part of a relationship, the very idea of throwing caution to the wind feels foolhardy. What I do to advance my own dreams and desires directly impacts my partner. What if I fail? What if I take my partner down with me?

But even though worrying that taking risks will affect my partner is a valid concern,  it occurred to me last week that on some level, even within a relationship, we as individuals have a responsibility to each other to be happy. If we aren't, we might even put a great deal at risk. This ideal was reinforced by a conversation I had with my grandma this week.

My grandma doesn't like doctors. She believes the more frequent your visits to doctors, the more things they find wrong with you. She said that her doctor keeps pressing her to get a mammogram, but she doesn't want to do it. I asked her if she just doesn't want to know. And she said 'no, because what good would it do?'

I wasn't really that surprised, because my grandma is a stoic pragmatist, and I don't think she values time and life in the same way that many of us do. She tends to look at the world through hazy gray glasses. You get what you get, and you don't throw a fit. You just accept things. And clearly, she's not a huge believer in modern medicine, or possibly even miracles.

From time to time, I have wished I was more like that. I have considered that I would find it easier to be content if I just didn't care about everything so much. If I believed in the idea that nothing could change, so what's the point--I would be content just to keep on keeping on.

Despite my lack of surprise at my grandma's view, I reminded her that she's not really alone in benefiting from knowing whether or not she has breast cancer. I reminded her that there are a handful of women in her family who also need to know, so they can take steps to assess their own personal risk. She has a responsibility to get that mammogram for the rest of us.

I think that it's much easier to talk about the responsibility of taking care of yourself and trying to maintain your health, because our existence is perhaps the most basic thing we owe to each other within relationships. As spouses, parents and family members, we aren't supposed to live our lives in a dangerous and reckless manner. We all know the dangers of smoking, drinking to excess, texting and driving, and using drugs. We could end up dead before our time.

But when I think about the less obvious responsibility of being happy, it's an ideal that goes kind of fuzzy. It's not that hard to grasp, if you really think about it. Happiness, or minimally contentedness, is a state of well-being. It's a sort of balance at its core.

Remember when everything seemed easy?

In the beginning of a relationship, we have a kernel of happiness that bursts open and usually grows into something much larger. We flow through the best of times, and learn to flow through some of the worst. That's what people in strong relationships are meant to do. When we find ourselves flowing through hard times more often than we get to flow through good times, the way we affect each other is enormous.

When you are part of a relationship, you don't 'feel' things in a vacuum. Everything you feel, your partner feels. Everything you're going through, they are going through. If you think about that for just a moment, our potential to impact each other is so profound, that we should consider ourselves duty bound to take every chance we must to find happiness, or at least some kind of contentment and balance.

It's a tough thing to do, and it's one I don't see too many people within relationships doing. It seems to be something that people on their own are less afraid of.

A few years ago, my hairstylist moved to Colorado. She had no job and very little connection to the area. She just knew she wanted to change her life. Another friend of mine is considering a similar move. I envy them both--not because they have no ties and they have the freedom to take these giant risks, but because they look at where they are and know that the only way things will change is if they make it happen. And it's true, maybe their risks won't pay off in the way they hope, but I don't think they'd be better off if they chose not to dream.

It feels like a tough mountain to climb sometimes.

In the past, I have thought that only people without ties and commitments can do something so seemingly reckless. But as I look at my early forties, I frequently wonder how anyone can afford not to. I think of how important my friendship with my husband has become, and I think of how I want to protect it and nurture it in the way I did in the beginning--when life was about everything that was possible, and nothing that was impossible. I'm not sure that stability and a lack of self-confidence justify letting that relationship culture we so believed in wilt away.

Among our group of friends, there is one couple especially living their lives in the vision of each others' pursuit of happiness every single day. I know they have fought hard to get to where they are individually, and as a couple. They thrive because they allow each other to do so. I think it's also because they believe that through their individual dreams coming true, their relationship core is all the stronger. I don't like to name names in my blog, because none of my friends ask to be my fodder. But there's a world of epic story telling, music and advocacy that they live in that inspires me to find ways to create a better world of my own. When I see them going after dreams so fiercely, I believe that most of us are doing it wrong. While I believe they would eagerly own up to doing all of these things I accuse them of, I think they would just as quickly remind me that they didn't get there overnight, or without struggle. That makes me respect them and wish I could emulate them all the more.


It's hard to shut down the spinning wheels of life, but if you can't figure out how, you can spin out of control. When things spin out of control, they usually crash. You put all the things you can't bear to lose in jeopardy.

When you have everything in the world to lose, that's exactly the time you have to be willing to put everything on the line. If you aren't willing to take a chance on yourself, no one else will. And eventually, you will either lose or damage every good thing you have.

It's Time--Imagine Dragons

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