Living to do what you love:It's not the product. It's not the profit. It's the process.

Soul Seeker Cover art

So, I understand the concept of goal setting. I understand that you have to make progress measurable and you have to hold yourself to account. But as I was running on my treadmill today, it occurred to me that I don't think I'm really interested in striving to achieve goals in the traditional sense. In fact, I think to a degree, it doesn't actually make sense to my nature at all.

I was running along to the playlist I put together when I first started writing the novel I will finally finish editing this month. What resonated with me was how much in love I have become with the process. I don't know what's going to happen when I finally take all the steps I need to in order to self-publish, but in so many respects, I think I'm realizing that's not what writing is all about--it's actually the writing. It's owning the process of creating something that means something to me, and at the end of the day, it's true that maybe no one else will ever care as much as me.

I think people who create probably understand that early on. It's taking me a while.

Today, Charlaine Harris released her thirteenth and final Sookie Stackhouse novel. Sadly, her book was leaked several weeks ago, and fans have already been taking stabs at Harris for how she has chosen to end the series. As I read her statement about the release on Facebook today, I just wanted to support her so much, no matter how she decided to bring Sookie's story to a close. It will probably be a few days before my copy of the book gets here, and because of my own work, I may not get to read it for a little while.

I chose to respond to Harris' Facebook statement and let her know that even though Sookie has been a part of my life for years now, she ultimately belongs to her and she is the only one who could know how Sookie's story ends. There's no way she could get it wrong.

Harris very clearly has achieved a level of success that many of us great American novel writers never will. With a successful HBO series based on her books, and millions of readers, she could have put Sookie in a coffin a long time ago. Without question, she has been a measurable success.  

I know that you can't measure things like pride. You can't measure feelings of catharsis and completion. That makes it difficult when it comes to being an unpublished author without an agent and without a publishing company. Achieving blockbuster status without help is a one in a million possibility. So, without that, how do you know if you have succeeded?

I think you know when you feel like you have gotten as close to your vision as you possibly could without compromising quality. That's a pretty esoteric view, but aside from the actual process of creating itself, this feeling can sometimes be your only reward.

My guess is that this view is similar to that of many who choose to create for a living.

Last weekend, we did something we find ourselves doing every first weekend in May. We strolled through the Brookside Art Annual. Many of the exhibitors return year after year. I like some of the returnees very much, but I am always excited to discover someone new who is doing something unique.

As we stroll through, often just window shopping, it occurs to me that these folks are hoping, just like me, to make a living doing something they love. They load up and lug around everything they can in vans and trailers to these events, week after week, hoping to sell a piece or two and pay their bills. I know that this particular art fair is pretty selective. I know there are artists who apply to exhibit their works and are turned away. I often wonder, of the small handful of artists chosen, how many actually sell enough of their work to pay a mortgage and put children through college.

I think it takes a lot of courage--the kind most of us don't have. But I also think that maybe they love being in the process of "doing" so much that the hole in their hearts where fear might normally live, is filled up with getting as close to their vision they possibly can without compromising quality. Maybe that's payment enough.

It's a hard thing to put so much of your soul into what you do with the possibility of never receiving anything for it in return.

Maybe that's why so many of us give up, sometimes before we ever start. The fear of failing by measurable standards is so high that we forget what the actual intangible rewards might be. When I think about those artists selling their work, how do they even begin to decide what this or that piece of their soul is worth as a dollar figure?

And when I wonder about that, I wonder how it is those of us who are moved to create anything can squeeze ourselves into any measurable space at all.

I suppose when I have wondered these things enough, I will finally kick of my shoes and run barefoot through the cool grass of freedom--never worrying about what might happen if I fail.

Can you imagine what that must feel like? If it's what those "creative types" feel everyday, I imagine there must be nothing else like it. I imagine it's priceless.

Supermassive Black Hole--Muse

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