Sorry honey, no anniversary gift for you.

So, I didn't make it. I didn't get the present done that I was going to give my husband for our twentieth wedding anniversary. It was probably doomed from the start. The fabulous, heartfelt, essentially free, thoughtful Pinterest project that I meant to start sooner, that I lost part of yesterday, that I probably need at least another toddler-occupied or free half-day to complete. 

There was a brief moment, when my laptop needed to be charged, that I engaged in the fantasy that I could take the project up a notch or two with a couple more supplies. I would offer up a trip to the park, and maybe lunch in exchange for just 15-20 minutes at the craft store. With luck, I would still be able to squeeze my project into shape in time. All I had to do was get the two of us dressed and our teeth brushed. Easy enough, right? That's exactly what I thought, too. I even tried to truly implement the fantastic two-choice approach a friend shared with me. 

"Do you want to try putting on your pants, or your socks?" I asked. She continued to teeter between her own two options--running around in circles making noises with her tongue, and climbing up onto the vanities in our master bath as I tried to wash my face.

I decided to offer up another set of choices. "Do you want to brush your teeth, or try putting on your socks?" Same results. 

There was no trip to the craft store. 

So, with a heavy sigh, I recalculated my to do list, and decided to make lunch and work on some housecleaning chores until the laptop power light was green again. As I looked at the disaster area which is our living room, I thought I would offer yet a third set of choices to my two-year-old.

"Do you want to pick up your toys, or put your books back on the shelf?" She chose a third option--watching me do both. I would wonder if she just doesn't fully grasp the concept, but it was only last night that she placed all of her bath toys neatly in their net, making sure to rinse each of them first, and to advise me that she was cleaning up her mess. 

We finished lunch. I surveyed the bits of food, the yogurt slathered ottoman, and two full bags of clean laundry waiting to be folded and put away. I winced.  And I looked at the clock. 'Ireally should try to get her to take a nap,' I thought, 'or she's not going to get one.'

I shouldn't be disappointed or surprised. And I suppose I'm really not surprised. Right now, it feels like there was never another story of my life. 

My husband is awesome. He will be satisfied with nothing. Sadly, that's exactly what he's getting. I wanted to do this one thing for him, because he works so hard for us. I stay at home. It always somehow seems weird to buy a gift for him, because my career as a stay-at-home mom isn't really that lucrative. I know all the arguments people might toss out about that, but somehow all the money we save on daycare, my fairly up-to-date housecleaning schedule, and all of the Target ninja saving skills I have developed just don't make me feel like it's equal. 

I also know that my husband would say that everything I accomplish keeping our daughter alive and thriving each day is enough. 

I love our little girl. She's a gift. She's amazing. She's funny. She's our version of perfect. But she's also two. And she also gets E-V-E-R-Y ounce of my energy, brain power, normal speaking tone of voice, logic and presence. 

The one person who lives with both of us, and knows the level of chaos, destruction, noise, and insanity I work with each day only gets scraps. 

She has infiltrated every single corner of our lives and our marriage. We quietly co-sleep--not wanting to be judged by our friends--because before we started, I was lucky to get four or five hours of sleep a night. I still nurse her to sleep at naps and bedtime, because I don't know how to get her to sleep any other way--and even that way is difficult most of the time. Every nap and bedtime is a battle. I have given her my waistline, our bookshelves, a cabinet in my kitchen, part of my pillow at night, and a million things in between. 

I can only imagine what sane people are thinking. No, we don't spend enough time together as a couple. Yes, I need more mom-friends. No, I don't get enough time for myself. Yes, I'm probably "doing it wrong." But I swear, either everyone is lying about how easy "doing it right" is, or we just have a willful sprite for a child. 

I know that I make it all sound awful. Sometimes, it is. Moments like this one--when I feel like there's too little of me to go around, even though I also realistically, or unrealistically feel like there should be plenty. When we can't  even have a five-minute conversation without her jumping in the middle of me and making it abundantly clear that she needs my undivided attention. When I can't squeeze a shower into the day. When she dumps everything I just put away. Those are the moments I am pretty sure I will lose that infinitesimal sliver of my shit that is left. 

But...she is the light of our life. We waited most of the last twenty years for her. And, of course, we love her more than anything. And when she rolls over in the wee small hours of the morning and says "Ah, Mommy." Or she says "snuggle?"  Or "I loves you, Mommy," it's pretty hard to stay irritated.

So, my dear husband, as I am sure that these words will reach you when she stops using you as a jungle gym, the gifts I have for you in this moment are my intentions, my acknowledgement of everything I don't give you every single day, my gratitude for everything you make possible, and my love.

Oh, and a promise. I know by date night Friday I will have that super duper, fantastic Pinterest gift done for you, but for now, you will have to settle for my tired, shredded, insane heart. 

Political promises, promises

So, today is Super Tuesday, and in many ways it could be one of the most important days of this year.

The political scene more closely resembles the gladiator fights of the Roman Coliseum than a civil debate about the issues truly affecting most of the American people. It has become a melee of horrifically hateful rhetoric that capitalizes on the fears and anger of those who have become so frustrated by the feeling that they work so hard, and either they don't feel they have enough, or they feel that others needing help don't work hard enough, and therefore don't deserve it. Many of these fearful, angry and frustrated people profess a powerful and deep Christian Faith, as well as a deep and abiding love of country.

There is an intense mistrust of government and politicians. People are tired of smiles and promises, and seem to prefer shouting, angry rhetoric and saber rattling. 

It's all working perfectly. Many of us have stopped watching or believing where the money goes, and--just as importantly--where the money backing our leaders comes from. 

We choose to believe people needing stop-gap assistance like food stamps or welfare are unwilling to work, are on drugs, and are just plain lazy. While there are people who happily suckle at the teat of our hard earned and forked away tax dollars, the majority are people who are legitimately struggling in spite of how hard they might be working. They are single parents who never expected to be. They are unqualified workers in low-paying jobs who may be working multiple jobs but still can't make all the ends meet.

We choose to believe that people working in low-paying jobs are somehow inferior to ourselves, and it's not our fault they aren't educated or skilled enough to work in a better paying job. We choose to believe they lack the ambition to obtain an education or skills that would allow them to earn more. The reality is that not everyone gets a scholarship to go to college or technical school. Not everyone can get enough financial aid to cover the skyrocketing costs of college. 

We choose to believe that people asking for a hand up--not a handout--just want a free ride on our dime.

We choose not to pay attention to where our money goes, and where the money backing our leaders comes from. 

People are angry that there are Americans "working the system" and getting our hard-earned dollars. But who are these Americans "working the system?"

Follow your dollars. Do you want billions to go to companies who become richer and richer while discouraging income growth among the lower and middle class? Do you want billions of dollars to go to individuals and companies who work tirelessly to ensure that they have to pay as little in taxes as possible--even to the point of hiding their money off shore? 

We're pissed about where our money goes, and we're pissed that the government keeps asking more from us, while providing less of what we want and need. But here's the thing--it takes money for roads to get repaired, it takes money for the power grid to be updated, it takes money to provide benefits to veterans and retirees. That money has to come from somewhere. Except it's not. 

We have spent the better (or worse) part of the last 15 years at war. War isn't free, but it is profitable to certain people--not you or me. We have allowed big banks to fill the coffers of our leadership in exchange for leniency and a blind eye to their greedy misdeeds. We have allowed so much in the name of free enterprise and national security. And we have used up all the dollars and more--only slowly reversing that trend in recent years.

Where is our money going? Where does the money backing our leaders come from? 

Many of us are fearful and angry. 

But some of us are afraid for the future of our children, our nation and our world. We are fearful that our kids won't find a way to afford an education and that if they do, they won't be able to find a job earning enough to make their ends meet and their dreams come true. We are fearful that the current climate of hateful rhetoric and discrimination will make our nation and our people less safe, and that we will, again, be viewed as the brash bully nation on the block. We are angry that our tax dollars pay for failed wars that have made us less safe. We are angry that people screaming for "smaller government" and "individual rights" are also trying to limit women's rights, the rights of the LGBT community, civil rights, and religious rights. We are angry that a large chunk of our government chooses, on a daily basis, not to do their job because--for whatever reason--they decline to recognize and accept the legitimacy of a twice-elected president. We are angry that that chunk of our government's actions put the functionality of our nation--at home, and abroad--in jeapordy on a regular basis.

While it is true that every politician promises things they cannot, or do not even intend to deliver, some of us want to hear promises that better reflect the needs of our people, and not the needs of big business, saber rattlers, and those who don't believe that everyone is entitled to the same rights. I would rather hear a candidate promise free college tuition, than hear one promise that they will "bomb the shit out of" anyone. I would rather hear a candidate promise income equality and an increase in wages that more closely aligns with the cost of living, than hear a candidate promise to cut education funding and Social Security. I would rather hear a candidate promise to take actions to prevent further destruction to our environment through science and innovation, than hear a candidate argue that the earth is flat, it was created by a shadowy wizard and that proven scientific facts are hogwash. I would rather hear a candidate recognize that we are already a great nation facing challenges to our core and our future, than to hear candidates unfoundedly, and mean-spiritedly declare that our nation is in shambles. I would rather hear the promises of a candidate who believes in the promise of every single American, regardless of color, religion, gender or their sexual orientation, than to hear a candidate feeding the fears and angers of folks who choose to ignore where the money goes, and where our leaders' financial support comes from. 

You see, promises are made to be broken, forgotten, discarded and derailed. But, at the beginning and end of every day, I look at my daughter, and I have to at least be able to stomach the promises a candidate is making.