Triggered and under threat

So, here in Arkansas tonight, there are a bunch of parents weighing their options. They’re considering whether or not they will send their kids to school tomorrow.

They’re not debating because their kids have spiked a fever or had a bout of vomiting. They’re not worried their kid has a cold or the flu and they might pass it onto some other kid. 

They’re thinking of a threat made online about a mass shooting that could happen at their kid’s school. They’re trying to decide if what is most likely just a really awful joke could actually be real, and if it’s worth keeping their kid home—just to be on the safe side. 

For the first time, I have a child in school. So, I’m one of those parents. 

People make bogus threats to schools, places of worship, companies, government agencies, and organizations every day. No one can ever predict which one of those threats will amount to anything. 

I worked in a synagogue for two years. On two different occasions we evacuated our building because of bomb threats. Luckily, they were just threats.

I’m not keeping my kid home. It’s not because of some principle like choosing not to live in fear or anything noble like that. I’m playing the odds. The threat is non-specific. It included the schools in Kentucky, which were under threat today. I haven’t heard any reports of a school shooting there today. 

I think my daughter and her classmates are going to be fine at school tomorrow. 

But I’m still pissed. I’m pissed that a threat like this could be credible. I’m pissed that any of us have to weigh our options when it comes to whether or not our kids will be safe from being gunned down while they’re learning how to write their name or how to do algebra. I’m pissed that nine days into kindergarten my daughter already knows where to hide from a bad guy at her school.

And I’m pissed at anyone who isn’t pissed that this is an acceptable reality in America. 

If I can believe polls the majority of Americans—including gun owners—want common sense gun reform. So, I don’t know why nothing’s been done. 

In this free country, I have to worry that my kid might get shot at school. In this free country, I’ve stopped taking her with me to the most convenient grocery store, and I avoid going there myself on the weekends now, because wouldn’t that be the most likely time for a shooting? 

Many of us are trying to be more aware in public places. Where are the nearest exits? Is there someplace close to hide or get under cover. 

The big argument against common sense gun reform in America is that we will be giving up some of our freedom. 

Aren’t we already doing that? 

Use your words: Media fail

Something has really been bothering me about the media, and today I just had enough with it. 

I often find myself annoyed by those who talk about the world becoming too politically correct, and too concerned with offending people. In my view, much of what gets labeled as “political correctness” is just common courtesy and human decency. 

That being said, I do feel like there is a dangerous trend in our media. Regardless of liberal or conservative bias, I find myself wanting to scream the same words to media outlets that parents often use when trying to help tantrum throwing toddlers express themselves—use your words! 

The specific trend that bothers me most—today—relates to sexual violence—especially its victims and perpetrators. 

When I was about seven or eight years old, my parents were watching the evening news, and an anchor was reporting on rape. I didn’t know what the word rape meant, so I asked. My stepfather immediately slapped my face and told me not to say that word, leaving me horrified and stunned. 

When I eventually learned what the word meant, I still didn’t understand its power. And lately I’m beginning to wonder who slapped the faces of journalists and writers who cover these crimes and made them afraid to use their words. 

The most obvious recent case that has raised such ire in me is that of known sexual-predator, child rapist, and pedophile Jerry Epstein. There—I used all of my words. 

In media reports, Epstein’s victims are frequently referred to as “underage girls,” “underage minors.” The words you’re looking for are children and little girls. It does not matter how close they are to voting age, being able to drive a car, or even wearing a real bra. His victims were children. 

Most reports also talk about “inappropriate behavior,” “sexual massages,” “trafficking,” and “recruiting.” The words you’re looking for are sexual predation, hand jobs, and exploitation. And while the criminal justice system’s view is more narrow, victims view anything that qualifies as sexual violation of a person in order to derive personal pleasure as rape. 

Today, I even read that despite Epstein’s apparent suicide, the investigation into his crimes, and those who knew of his “penchant for young girls” and helped “recruit” his victims would continue. The words you’re looking for are that the investigation of those who knew of his pedophilia and helped him prey on children will continue. 

The Epstein case is only one example of how the media—in what is at best a misguided attempt to prevent triggering other victims, and at worst a complicity in perpetuating rape culture—hurts victims, and thwarts justice. In today’s media, you rarely see or hear the word rape. Instead, you will hear sexual assault. You rarely hear victims described in ways that remind you they are humans—they become generic terms like “alleged victim.” 

Maybe at one point it seemed to make sense to use the blanket “sexual assault” term to describe sexual crimes, because there are so many ways in which a person can be violated besides penetrative rape. Every kind of sexual violation is criminal. But this kind of blanket term doesn’t posses the same power as the word rape. Since sexual assault might include someone pinning me to the ground and penetrating me by force or simply putting their hand on my backside, there’s room to dispute the severity of an assailant’s actions, and therefore the impact of those actions on the victim. 

I promise you, in the mind of the victim, there is no difference. Sexually violating another person is a rape of their psychological peace just as surely as it is a physical action. Penetration isn’t required.

When we allow ourselves to become squeamish about using real words to describe real horrors, we send a message to those who commit these crimes that what they’re doing isn’t so vile and horrible. We send a message that there is some kind of gray area when it comes to the life-long impact on a victim. It allows the wider culture to accept truly horrible actions as just part of the norm. 

When we can’t use the word rape, rapist, pedophile, or predator when talking about these crimes, it’s easier to put those thoughts out of mind. 

When we fail to identify victims in human terms, they become nothing more than empty vessels. They become the equivalent of the windshield someone broke. 

When we minimize these horrific acts, euphemize their perpetrators, and dehumanize their victims, we give an already entitled patriarchal culture permission to pass off these crimes as “locker room talk or antics” and “boys being boys.” We allow victims to be viewed as acceptable targets because of what they were wearing, where they were, or just because something about them attracted their rapist’s attention—maybe a bare shoulder because they wore a tank top to school.

The sad thing? This is only one example of how language in the media allows humanity to be viewed as little more than collateral damage. 

We allow the media to minimize crimes and to dehumanize crime victims, civilian men, women and children killed in wars, blacks profiled by police, and our fellow humans who happen to be gay, lesbian, transgendered, Hispanic, Muslim or refugees. The word you’re looking for us people.

Use your words.