Violence against women: Race, ethnicity, and religion are not the problem

So, I don’t know why, but it seems like so many things I have seen in social media about women lately have really made me angry. There’s a bizarre whirlpool of ideas being tossed about where women, sexual autonomy, body image, and relationships with men are concerned. There are so many messages being put out into the public landscape that the core issue seems to be getting lost.

As women, we think of ourselves as equals. We believe that we have a right to an equal shot in the world. No more. No less. But there are plenty of messages being sent out everyday that tell a very different story.

I noticed a couple of posts by a popular women’s page on Facebook that truly made me cringe. Both were about what women needed to do with their appearance in order to attract men. The sad thing? The same page probably posted some bullshit essay about women’s empowerment and independence on the same day.

On an almost daily basis, I see posts about incidents in which women have had near misses with overly pursuant men, or have been assaulted by men they knew and thought they could trust. These posts usually talk about how we need to do something about rape culture, and teach men that unless a woman enthusiastically responds “yes” to their advances, or sexual overtures, they need to back the fuck off.

And yet, there’s still a general tone deafness about the idea that women shouldn’t bear the brunt of teaching those preying upon them not to prey upon them. It seems like we all learn what the word “no” means from a pretty early age. I cannot even begin to count the number of times in a day that I tell my four-year-old daughter “no”. I can’t imagine the parent of a four-year-old boy wouldn’t say the same.

But here we still are. Here we still are talking about men who don’t know how to take “no” for an answer when it comes from a woman. And here we still are, telling women how to attract the attention of men. Are we crazy?

How many times in the case of sexual assault is the question about what the woman was wearing still considered legitimate? How many times in the case of sexual violence is the woman blamed because she responded to her attacker in too friendly a manner, and somehow led him to believe she was willing?

On the one hand, we need to learn what it takes to be attractive enough to get a man’s attention, on the other, if that man decides to rape or kill us because we don’t want to have sex with him, it might be our fault. If we attract a man, and discover that he’s just not a good match, we are a “bitch” or a “tease” if we don’t let him have sex with us. If we get raped, or we do like him enough to have sex with him, and we get pregnant, we are somehow more responsible for that unplanned pregnancy than he is. Literally no matter the circumstances, as soon as a man ejaculates inside us—everything else is our responsibility—our fault—and we are not supposed to have a choice from that point on.

The disconnect is maddening.

Another infuriating reality? Unless our attacker’s skin color is brown, he’s probably not going to face real consequences, and we are probably not ever going to get justice. And right now, if he is brown, an orange man is going to exploit that crime to fit a dishonest and hate-filled narrative that seeks to keep his followers continuously distracted from reality.

The old trope of the brown man attacking the white woman because he is a “savage” is about so much more than the brown man being a savage. It’s about the perceived ownership of the woman. When your property has been sullied or damaged by a brown man, it is treated as the equivalent of someone putting a dent in your car. From that point forward, the wreck is listed on the title. Or if as a woman you get pregnant without being properly “purchased” you are a “lemon”.

The brown man—the savage—must be punished. The damaged property cannot be resold. But somehow, the white rapist or murderer was a fine and upstanding human until something in him just snapped, or until that woman taunted him with a pleasant smile or too much cleavage, only to dash his hopes and leave him with blue balls.

Here’s the thing—it doesn’t matter what country or color the violence comes from. As a victim, it doesn’t matter what color or nationality you are—granted, if you’re brown, you probably know that reporting being assaulted is about as useful as trying to fill a bucket with a hole. It isn’t the country or color that defines the attack—it’s the evil, and it’s the sense of male entitlement. It’s the idea that your body is not yours, and your protest is meaningless.

When I was about 15, I had a boyfriend. We had written a few raunchy teenage “love notes” back and forth to each other. We hadn’t acted on any of the things in those notes. But my stepfather happened upon one of them, read it, and offered to show me some of the things I seemed to be curious about. He worked nights, and slept during the day. While my mom was at work, and my sister was down at the neighbor’s playing, he pulled me into bed with him where he was wearing nothing, and I froze, and tried over and over to get away—for hours. From there, his hands always seemed to find their way up my shirt when we were alone. I started wearing a bra to bed, because he would visit my room when he got home from work in the wee hours of the morning. I don’t want to talk about the other things. He started to monitor all of my phone calls, control all of my outings away from the house, my clothing, my hair, and even spied on me while I was at school.

He decided when I was sixteen, and would soon be getting my drivers license that he would legally adopt me so I would have his last name. His excuse was that it would just make things “easier”. He also insisted that my first name be legally changed from my given name of “Sammi” to Samantha. It was a more proper name than the one my unrefined teenage mother had given me. At this point, he “showed” me things I had seemed curious about almost everyday. And when those adoption papers were signed, and my name was changed, I belonged to him. I was his property. He was entitled to me.

He was white. He beat my mother. He had guns. I was a terrified child, who genuinely believed he would kill everyone in our house. And when I finally got released from his ownership, he received no punishment, and I was disowned. I was damaged property. I was either lying, or to blame.

Violence and sexual crime against women is not about violence or sex. It’s not about the physical pleasure derived from the act. It’s about the power and control over another human being, whom you feel entitled to use and/or destroy. It’s about owning something you consider to be an object—a vessel or a target.

And our society as a whole reinforces that belief in almost every way.

Our patriarchal religions reinforce the idea of the man as head of the household, and that women are supposed to submit to their authority. It may be that the idea of a man being the protector and spiritual leader is put forth in scripture, and religious texts, but men have so often accepted this as authority and power over us. Our legal system seeks to deprive women of the right to own their sexuality and their bodies. Lawmakers seek to make contraceptives and reproductive choice less accessible for women, while at the same time taking no action against men owning and controlling what they do sexually at all. Men are allowed to seek the pleasures of sex inside or outside of marriage with no consequences. And if they are physically unable to seek that pleasure, they can easily access medical treatment to assist them—no judgment, no hindrance, no strings.

Women, on the other hand, are castigated for having sex outside of marriage. Women are trash if they become pregnant outside of marriage. Women are considered frigid and unfriendly if they don’t smile or if they aren’t responsive, even to men they do not know. Women are frequently blamed for men raping them. They were someplace they should not have been. They were drinking. They were wearing revealing clothing. They smiled at the man from across the room. They said “no”, but the man didn’t believe it, and she didn’t fight him off, or clamp her legs shut.

The truth? We don’t have an immigration problem. We don’t have a problem of skin color, religious background, or nationality causing one man to be more violent than another. We don’t have a problem with women being overly promiscuous, confusing to men, indecisive about not wanting sex, or just being regretful and looking for someone to pin it on.

What we do have is a pervasive problem with men who believe that women are somehow theirs. We have a problem with men deciding it’s their right to take what they want—even if that means they destroy what they are taking. We have a problem with men believing that masculinity means they aire in control of the women in their orbit. We have a problem with men who don’t like hearing the word “no” or hearing that we don’t want them, or want to submit to them.

We have a problem with men who believe that any connection with a woman—even a fleeting glance—is a transaction. It’s a transaction, and that woman is now his possession—his property. That’s the actual problem.

Partnering with your pet in fitness

When starting a fitness routine, it’s great motivation to have a friend with which to partner. It’s much easier to keep going when you don’t have to go it alone. For some of us, that friend runs on four legs.

Very often, our pets become our best friends, and even our family. When it comes to playtime, and fitness, they can also be enthusiastic partners, helping us to feel like going out for that walk or run when we might feel like staying in and watching a movie. And let’s face it, our furry friends are hardly ever too busy for us, or have a job to go to.

With all of that being said, our pets need to be prepared for fitness as well. We need to make sure that our routine works for them, because they usually won’t let us know they’re having trouble until something really significant is wrong. As a registered veterinary technician, I’ve seen many health issues that could impact our pets and how well they are able to be part of our exercise plans.

A lot of focus on four-legged fitness partners naturally “goes to the dogs”. Cats tend to be a little more “free spirited” about walking on a leash, or jogging in the park. They often prefer a nice boxing match with a laser light. And your iguana? Well, he may not wanna. So, if your non-traditional four-legged friend wants to somehow participate in your routine, you probably need more species specific guidelines from your veterinarian. Where information is applicable to dogs and cats, it will be included in this piece.

In preparing our pets for our fitness routine, we need to consider multiple factors, including age, body condition, breed, location, and weather.

It may seem counterintuitive that running with our young dog could be a problem. After all, who is healthier than the average Labrador retriever puppy? With our juvenile canine friends, the concern with too much shock-absorbing exercise is that growing and maturing bones and joints are more prone to injury and damage. It might be fine for you to go out and run that 5K, but our puppies’ bones and joints need a little more babying.

Even young adult dogs with joint disorders such as hip dysplasia may have an increased chance of injury, or arthritic issues and changes when they put on too many miles. One of the more common injuries in young, active dogs is a torn anterior cruciate ligament—that’s a torn ACL for football enthusiasts. The cruciate ligament is like a rubber band that stretches over the knee to help keep everything in its place. When torn, this kind of injury can be repaired with surgery, but it might be costly. And foregoing surgery for the injury can lead to lifelong arthritic issues. Dogs who tear one cruciate ligament are at greater risk for tearing the other.

If we aren’t always thinking about monitoring activity level for our young and growing pets, most of us know that our elderly dogs can have arthritis. The right amount of exercise can keep the muscles around arthritic joints strong and healthy, reducing the risk of injury. At the same time, we need to be aware of even subtle changes in mobility, and waning enthusiasm, or tiring more quickly with exercise. When we notice those changes, it’s important to partner with our dog’s veterinarian to develop strategies for managing our senior pet’s health and comfort.When we carry more weight, exercise is more difficult. In the beginning, we need to build our fitness level. You have to respect your current fitness level, and work to achieve your long-term goals. The same is true for our overweight and obese pets. And sadly, just like us, a large percentage of our furry friends—both canine and feline—are either overweight or obese. Along with increasing activity incrementally, it’s important to watch for signs of fatigue, exercise intolerance and injuries. It’s also a great idea to visit your pet’s veterinarian to discuss weight loss goals, time frames for both short and long term weight loss, and dietary changes.

Some of our furry fitness partners may have several challenges when they start a new exercise routine. In addition to age and body condition, breed can greatly impact our dogs’ ability to keep up. Our brachycephalic—or smushed face—breeds can have a lot more trouble moving air during normal activity. That difficulty can increase greatly during exercise, and then again in hot weather. Dogs like pugs, English bulldogs, shih tzus, and Boston terriers are among those breeds that are more prone to heat exhaustion, and heat stroke. If you are unsure if your dog falls into the brachycephalic family of breeds, ask your veterinarian, and be sure to discuss the risks of exercise, and what signs to look for to determine if your dog is having trouble. When in doubt, wait the heat out.

Other breeds of dog, and breed types, may also have underlying risks when exercising. In some small breeds, like the chihuahua and Pomeranian, a luxating patella, or slipping knee-cap can be a very painful issue. The knee-cap can slide out of place during activity, and can be quite painful until it slips back. Surgical repair can help with this genetic defect. Our low and long-backed dogs, like the dachshund, have an increased risk of spinal cord injury, which can result in paralysis. Carrying extra weight can increase that risk. Surgical intervention is the best treatment for this injury.

And weather and location can play big roles in the success or failure of our pets’ participation in our fitness routine.

Heat can increase the risk of heat exhaustion and heat stroke in all pets, because they are not able to thermoregulate through sweating as we can. It’s important also to note that shaving some breeds down to help them stay cool may strip them of the built-in layer of insulation they have to protect them from temperature extremes, and even sunburn.

Along with heat comes a nuisance for all of us—bugs. Who hasn’t been hit in the face by a zooming bug while on a bike ride or run? And while most of us wouldn’t intentionally snack on these flying pests, their mid-air collisions with our huffing and puffing mouths can leave us caught off-guard. But as unpleasant as these experiences may be for us, other things that come along with bugs are more than a simple nuisance for our pets, and if our fitness routines take us outside, their exposure to these bugs increases.

Depending somewhat on location, one of the number one bug related health risks to our pets in warm weather and climates is the mosquito. As humans, most of us are familiar with malaria and West Nile, but it’s also important to be aware of heartworm disease in our dogs, and even our indoor cats. Mosquitoes carry the heartworm larvae, bite our pets, and transmit the larvae into the bloodstream. The adult worms make their home in the heart—hence the name. In many parts of North America, there is a year-round risk of mosquito-transmitted heartworm disease. In our dogs, symptoms can include coughing, exercise intolerance, collapse, and sudden death. In our cats, there may be no visible symptoms at all, except death. There are many methods of heartworm prevention available for both dogs and cats. Your veterinarian can help you make the best choice.

Tick-borne diseases are becoming a greater issue for humans and pets alike. Lyme and Erlichia are two common tick-borne diseases that impact our pets., as well as Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever. With changes in our climate, the prevalence of these diseases is changing. These diseases are being seen with more frequency in locations where they were at one time a more transient occurrence. There are a lot of new, and advanced methods for helping our pets avoid becoming the victim of tick-borne disease. The best place to start is with your veterinarian.

And what would summer bug season be without fleas? Fleas just aren’t very much fun, but for our pets, they too can be more than a nuisance. Fleas carry tapeworms, which live in the intestinal tract. Our pets usually don’t show us a lot of outward signs of infection, but they aren’t harmless. They are sometimes seen when our pets pass a bowel movement. In most cases, we discover parts of the worms in the area around their tail.

Tapeworms are gross, but another flea-related health issue is no less troublesome for our pets. Some of our pets are extremely allergic to the biting flea. This can lead to some very itchy skin, and potentially some very serious skin infections—often referred to as “hot spots.” The itch is relentless, and can keep your pet—and you—up all night. The “hot spots” such scratching and itching can instigate are painful, and require medical attention.

In the battle against mosquitoes, ticks, fleas, your number one resource is your veterinarian. He or she can tell you about the prevalence of the diseases they carry in your area, and what the peak seasons are for concern. As our climate is changing, the traditional concept of “flea and tick season” is becoming a thing of the past. Many of our pets need prevention all year, and in some cases, especially preventing heartworm disease, prevention is much less costly than treatment.

And one of the most important things to remember about flea, tick, mosquito, and heartworm 
prevention is that one size does not fit all! Products intended for dogs only  must never be used for cats. In some cases, this mistake can be deadly. In the case of heartworm prevention, certain breeds of dog may be sensitive to certain ingredients. Heartworm prevention is a by prescription-only medication, and cannot be sold over-the-counter. So, your veterinarian will prescribe a product that is safe and effective for your pet.

In the summer and winter time, we need to be aware of the surfaces on which we walk and run. We have the luxury of choosing our own footwear, but for pets, one size fits all. Hot pavement can burn and abrade our pets’ footpads. Sidewalks and roadways treated to prevent icing, or to melt it away can also cause injury and damage to our pets’ feet. Some pets will learn to wear booties, but staying off of potentially dangerous surfaces may be the best preventative. It’s true that humans and their pets share a unique bond. Whether your pet cheers you on with their fins  from a bowl of water, or runs right along side you, the most important thing for both of you is safety and preparation, because once you know your pet’s fitness strategy, that special bond can grow stronger, and you are both in for a lot of great fun!

Pity Party—table for one. Where is that oxygen mask?

So, sometimes the universe throws you a day from hell. Sometimes, it throws you a cold, a child with a cold, a husband with a cold, and intense feelings of frustration, failure, and defeat. Deep down, you’re not upset about the day. You’re just worn down to the very last bit of yourself, and it feels like everything in your life is still trying to shave off another sliver.

I know everyone has bad days, and I know that frustrating times come and go. But today, I felt an “uncle” creeping up to the surface. I felt a moment of surrender, and I found myself sobbing over the kitchen sink as I rinsed ketchup and ranch out of the compartments of my daughter’s lunch plate.

She hasn’t shown any interest in eating anything besides fish sticks, macaroni and cheese, and yogurt for most of the last week. I know she’ll diversify her food choices again in a bit, but it’s just one thing on the list of things that are making me feel almost powerless this week.

I decided to take a stand over the weekend. I fight, plead, bribe, and beg her just to pick up the toys on the floor, because the constant battle of trying to keep up with that means I am not taking care of putting away much else. My declaration? I would not pick up even one thing for her for a week, nor would I let her have any sugary sweets until she did it herself.

It isn’t working. She just wails and howls when she asks for a sweet and I remind her of my ultimatum.

As she woke up at around seven this morning, she asked for a cookie, and she hit me in the face when it said it was too early. Everything went downhill from there.

When you’re sick, every little struggle feels amplified. This day and this week have been really loud. Having recently learned that I am prediabetic, I have found myself fighting to make even small changes to get back on the right track. I know that I have to make big changes, but quite honestly, I have allowed everyone and everything around me to become such an emergency that I know the only way I can make a start is to just start wherever I can.

I have allowed trying to maintain my own self-control with my daughter’s unpredictable behavior to steal my inner calm—the part that focuses on keeping my own emotional head above water. I have allowed other stressors in life to steal the voice inside that knows I should say “This all means I could get really sick. For a little bit, I have to put more of myself first.”

And this damn cold! And my damn body! And my damn feelings!

I started cutting and cutting, being more cognizant and aware of everything I was doing. Even after one week, I saw positive momentum. And then, without any change in how much effort I was making, that momentum swung right back the other direction. I tried to tell myself that it didn’t mean anything. I tried to tell myself my body’s defenses were kicking in, and giving a protest against me trying to change my habits. But that same voice everyone has inside of them that felt so pleased with the positive direction from the week before, was crestfallen and didn’t give a shit that it was just my body saying “Hey, wait a minute. What are you doing”?

And then, another shoe dropped. I felt just a little stuffy, but was running on my treadmill, and feeling better than usual. So, I kept running, because the slip in momentum my body had thrown at me needed to understand it wasn’t going to win out over my reasoning and logic about the situation.

By the next morning, two out three of us in the house had developed a nasty end of summer cold, and by end of that day, we all had it.

At this point, it might be reasonable to ask why a stupid little cold has to matter, and throw me into such an emotional and physical tailspin. But you see, it’s not the cold, it’s all the little things that seem to swirl around me in a low level hurricane all the time. This cold, my body laughing at me while I ate ice cream and wished there was a real Dr. Pepper in the house instead of diet, and my emotional meltdown over the kitchen sink are just the visible manifestations of the hurricane no one else usually gets to see.

As always, I could see the scene from the movie “Circle of Friends,” when Benny gets passed over by Jack at the dance, and stuffs chocolate in her mouth as she fights back tears.

“Ah, go on Benny. Ruin yourself”, she says.

And that’s how it feels. It feels like defeat. It feels like failure. It feels like everything else around me is grabbing and tearing at me, so what difference does it make? What difference can it possibly make that I can’t keep on track?

A friend reminded me that in the airport safety instructions, they always tell you when the oxygen mask falls, you need to put it on your face first, and then help those around you. You can’t pour from an empty cup. You can’t give what you don’t have.

This all sounds sensible. It sounds like common sense. But none of it works when it feels like life is grabbing the oxygen mask away from you before you can even reach for it.

And so, that’s how the little things get you. They chip away at your defenses and your strength a little at a time, and one bad moment turns into a bad day, a bad week, a bad time. You once again tell yourself that when things settle down with everyone else's struggles, you will be able to focus on taking care of yourself. And until you can do that, you have to plug the holes of your sinking ship with anything you can find, and hope that those plugs don’t somehow manage to make those holes too big to repair.

Add to all of those stupid feelings the knowledge that somewhere in the world, someone would give anything to have your “problems”, and you spiral back down to that place you always come back to—trying to push what you’re feeling down, because you don’t want to bother anyone else with things you should be strong enough to deal with on your own as a grown-ass woman.

And so,  the cycle continues. From the outside of things, we often wonder what leads seemingly happy people with seemingly perfect lives to make seemingly unthinkable choices. The reality? Nothing is black and white when it comes to how we feel, or how we deal with those feelings.

No, I’m not on the verge of making any dramatically awful choices about my tomorrows, but I understand how small things grow and become bigger to us than they would be to anyone else. I understand why people don’t reach out when they are struggling. No one likes to admit that the little things are too big for them.