So, I think it's important to preface this post by saying that I am not afraid of motherhood, or the immediate challenges that will befall me in a few short weeks. I have a reasonable sense of what I assume is a normal amount of anxiety associated with any new job, but I am aware that this is a full time position from which I cannot resign, and I have willingly signed on.
Now that we have that out of the way, I feel I can talk about what I am here to talk about, and hopefully I haven't given anyone the impression that I am shaking in my boots.
I had the opportunity to get out for lunch with a friend earlier in the week. She has an eleven-year-old daughter, with whom she enjoys watching "The Bachelor." I watched the show for one season years ago, when the man in question was a guy from my home town. I couldn't help but be curious. At any rate, as the season began this time around, my friend and her daughter quickly noted "who" each of the twenty-five women vying for this man's affections would turn out to be. In the course of discussing this, my friend revealed that it had made her think of "who" her own daughter will be. And as a result, it got me to thinking about what a giant responsibility it is, as a parent, particularly a mother to have a hand in "who" their child, particularly their daughter, will turn out to be.
My friend believes that I am at a giant advantage due to the benefit of additional years and wisdom associated with becoming a parent later in life. She asked me what I want for Willow as she grows up. While in my heart, I hope that most people want the same things for their children, I know everyone defines those things in very different ways. I mostly just want for Willow to grow up knowing that she is loved and supported, no matter what path she chooses for herself, and that she will find a path that gives her all the happiness in life that she desires. Some folks might answer the same question by saying that they want their child to get a great education and to be successful and productive.
Maybe the answers aren't really that different. But I think they probably feel different. After living a while, I realize that what I want now and for the rest of my life is very different than what I wanted twenty years ago. And maybe that does make me a fortunate mother.
My friend voiced the idea that young mothers are usually just at the cusp of trying to figure out who they are in life. How, therefore, can they have a handle on helping a child figure out who they want to become? I think it's a valid question, but it's honestly one I never thought of before.
I often think of friendships and people I have known over the years. We all know people, and have known people at many different stages of their lives. Women are very different people at different ages. Most of us go through a "mean girl" stage at some point, and we fail to have compassion for others. Some of us are so caught up in finding career and financial success that we forget to make lives that fulfill us beyond that new purse or apartment we must have. Still others of us spend so much time celebrating our youths that we overlook the value and comfort of making a home and settling down.
Fair or not, the people around us decide "who" all of these choices make us. Maybe it's not fair for me to say it, but I don't think that men are judged in quite the same ways as women. I think men are viewed in a much more narrow and black and white sort of way. I don't think that makes how we raise boys any less important, but I do think that within the very deeply carved grooves of our patriarchal society, the paths are so greatly defined and marked that if we are seeking to follow tradition, the way is well lit. It's only when we seek to support our boys--our children--within any construct they choose--traditional or otherwise--that we face greater challenge. As a wibbly-wobbly, touchy-feely mom-to-be, of course, I think that leads to the potential for much greater reward for all involved as well.
It is probably also unfair that I would use the women on a "reality" show to form an argument that it's more challenging to grow up as a girl, and inherently more challenging to guide a girl along the path than a boy. After all, there is so little that is real about about these "reality" shows. But stereotypes exist for a reason, whether we like it or not. Out of twenty-five women on a reality show, there probably will always be someone who is a "plotter and schemer." There will always be someone willing to use her womanly gifts to turn the man's head. There will always be the wallflower who can't seem to get in "the game." These shows are built around finding or "inventing" all of these characters in order to make the show more interesting and enticing. Otherwise, why would so many people watch?
But each girl's life is her own reality. As parents, we are just as responsible for creating a world within which they build that reality. We can only give them the plot of land, the tools and the materials. I know what I want for Willow. I'm pretty sure her dad wants the same things. We will have a hand in "who" she becomes, but undoubtedly that "who" will evolve and morph throughout her life.
I hope that she will have good friends and be well-liked by others. Life is so much easier when you have that. But more important to me than that is that she is a friend to herself and that she like herself. In the darkest times in life, sometimes you are the only person you have. I hope that she will have good vision, and that she will be able to see things for the way they really are. We spend a lot of time as women telling ourselves many harmful lies, because we are unable to see the truth about ourselves, and those around us. I hope that she will have self-confidence and stand up for herself when she needs to. I think teaching her courage will be the hardest thing, but the most important thing we try to do for her. How do you teach someone to be brave? I hope her daddy will help me with that one.
I'm not afraid of my new job, but I respect that it will be the most significant job I ever do. Being a hand that helps to create a person is a huge responsibility. There are lots of terrible people in the world. Jeph and I have always said that we didn't want to be parents unless we made the effort to create someone who in some small part makes the world better. It doesn't have to be "better" on a grandiose scale. Sometimes the world is just made better by a person who takes time to smile at a stranger, or help someone carry a heavy load.
We can't know "who" Willow will be yet. But maybe we are starting to know "who" we want to be for her. At the beginning of the day, that's really the best we can do.
Original of the Species--U2
Friday, January 17, 2014
Monday, January 6, 2014
Just do it--resolve to feel good enough
So, it's the first full week of 2014, and not surprisingly, everywhere you look, there's something to see regarding New Year's Resolutions. Most of them revolve around getting fit and losing weight.
I'm in a pretty good place this year. I've unexpectedly lost over twenty pounds, and in the last two months of pregnancy, weight loss is not even on my radar just now. But as I see all the commercials about exercise and dieting, I know that there are a lot of people out there who aren't facing the year feeling okay with themselves. And that's what really frustrates me about this time of year, and how companies prey upon those of us who really struggle with weight and body image.
Every time I see the Curves commercial with Jillian Michaels, I just want to scream. To me, it's just about the worst. I've never been to a Curves before, but when they initially opened, my impression of their business model was that these were facilities in which the average woman who wants to get in shape and feel better about herself could walk in and work out without feeling like she was a fat slob. In the current ad campaign, there seems to be only one woman in the commercial who has a body shape that is even close to what I pictured--and frankly, if I was at her fitness level, I'd probably feel pretty damn good about my body.
What gets my ire up most about this commercial is the mindless drumbeat drone that the only way that you can be happy is if you are thin. My answer to that is that the reason why we can't be happy unless we are thin is because people like Jillian Michaels keep telling us that we can't be happy unless we are thin. The fitness and weight loss industry makes their dollar by making us feel miserable about ourselves and any accomplishment we may have achieved because we don't have a six pack. Some of them might make the argument that it isn't about the way we look, it's about health and feeling good.
I'm not going to try and argue that being overweight is a healthy lifestyle. I know that it's not. One of my biggest fears about becoming pregnant was that I was already overweight, and any weight I might gain would put my health and my baby's health at risk. It's only a weird twist of "morning sickness" and fate that I have managed not to gain a single pound. I'm not even excited about the twist, because I have truly missed my food and any sense of normalcy about eating and diet. It's not what I planned or hoped for.
Over the years, I have watched people I care about struggle, beat themselves up, and starve themselves because they want to achieve some "ideal." I've been frustrated for them, especially because most of them have already achieved greater fitness than I can ever imagine for myself. I've also watched people closer to my own situation struggle and fall back multiple times. I relate to their sense of failure and defeat. I've definitely been there, and even though my current situation is different, I know that after my daughter gets here, I will remember that I am still heavier than I should be, no matter how much I've lost.
When I see the commercials for weight loss products, services and scams, I am more determined than ever to find every possible way I can to teach my daughter that you can't live your life for a number on a scale, a clothing tag, or a caliper. I hope to teach her about living a balanced lifestyle. I'm not going to hide the television, but I want her to know the joys of running in the grass and riding a bike too.
There has been so much talk in recent years about helping women and girls feel better about their body image. It makes me crazy that for all of that talk, the images of über sculpted women in next to no clothing far outweigh the images of the average woman who is just doing the best she can, and trying to live some kind of balance in life.
It all makes me feel like we can't win. Just trying to be as healthy as we can--mentally and physically--isn't good enough. And because it's not good enough for everyone else, it feels like it shouldn't be good enough for ourselves. It's one of the things I have noticed more, and been so disappointed with in human nature during my pregnancy. It seems like some of us just naturally seek to judge others for not doing "it" (whatever "it" is) their way. Whether it's how to have and raise your child, how to be successful in your career or relationships, or what it means to be healthy--someone always thinks their way is the only or best way.
I wish everyone who hocks a pill, a piece of exercise equipment or a nutrition system for weight loss could spend one moment in the shoes of the person feeling inadequate and insecure because of their bodies. I know some of those folks actually have been overweight and struggled too, but it seems like they forget how it feels. They forget how much they might have benefited from someone accepting them, loving them and thinking they're beautiful--just the way they were.
It bothers me that we live in a world where it is more acceptable and even more desirable to change everything about ourselves physically and otherwise to be valued than it is to offer each other understanding shoulders, acceptance and love. I'm sure it's an idealistic view, but when I think about the women in my family lineage and how so many of them have been pear shaped and all kinds of other not-so-desirable shapes, I want my daughter to grow up feeling that her shape is perfect--whatever it is, and that she doesn't have to turn herself inside out to be worthy of love--whether that love is from someone else or just from herself. I want her to grow up in a world where we don't voyeuristically watch others struggle with weight loss, body image, personal hardships and missteps to line the pockets of networks and companies that profit from the misfortunes of others. It doesn't seem like a dumb thing to wish for.
If you have to turn yourself inside out to be worthy of something, how real can that something be?
Just the Way You Are--Bruno Mars
I'm in a pretty good place this year. I've unexpectedly lost over twenty pounds, and in the last two months of pregnancy, weight loss is not even on my radar just now. But as I see all the commercials about exercise and dieting, I know that there are a lot of people out there who aren't facing the year feeling okay with themselves. And that's what really frustrates me about this time of year, and how companies prey upon those of us who really struggle with weight and body image.
Every time I see the Curves commercial with Jillian Michaels, I just want to scream. To me, it's just about the worst. I've never been to a Curves before, but when they initially opened, my impression of their business model was that these were facilities in which the average woman who wants to get in shape and feel better about herself could walk in and work out without feeling like she was a fat slob. In the current ad campaign, there seems to be only one woman in the commercial who has a body shape that is even close to what I pictured--and frankly, if I was at her fitness level, I'd probably feel pretty damn good about my body.
What gets my ire up most about this commercial is the mindless drumbeat drone that the only way that you can be happy is if you are thin. My answer to that is that the reason why we can't be happy unless we are thin is because people like Jillian Michaels keep telling us that we can't be happy unless we are thin. The fitness and weight loss industry makes their dollar by making us feel miserable about ourselves and any accomplishment we may have achieved because we don't have a six pack. Some of them might make the argument that it isn't about the way we look, it's about health and feeling good.
I'm not going to try and argue that being overweight is a healthy lifestyle. I know that it's not. One of my biggest fears about becoming pregnant was that I was already overweight, and any weight I might gain would put my health and my baby's health at risk. It's only a weird twist of "morning sickness" and fate that I have managed not to gain a single pound. I'm not even excited about the twist, because I have truly missed my food and any sense of normalcy about eating and diet. It's not what I planned or hoped for.
Over the years, I have watched people I care about struggle, beat themselves up, and starve themselves because they want to achieve some "ideal." I've been frustrated for them, especially because most of them have already achieved greater fitness than I can ever imagine for myself. I've also watched people closer to my own situation struggle and fall back multiple times. I relate to their sense of failure and defeat. I've definitely been there, and even though my current situation is different, I know that after my daughter gets here, I will remember that I am still heavier than I should be, no matter how much I've lost.
When I see the commercials for weight loss products, services and scams, I am more determined than ever to find every possible way I can to teach my daughter that you can't live your life for a number on a scale, a clothing tag, or a caliper. I hope to teach her about living a balanced lifestyle. I'm not going to hide the television, but I want her to know the joys of running in the grass and riding a bike too.
There has been so much talk in recent years about helping women and girls feel better about their body image. It makes me crazy that for all of that talk, the images of über sculpted women in next to no clothing far outweigh the images of the average woman who is just doing the best she can, and trying to live some kind of balance in life.
It all makes me feel like we can't win. Just trying to be as healthy as we can--mentally and physically--isn't good enough. And because it's not good enough for everyone else, it feels like it shouldn't be good enough for ourselves. It's one of the things I have noticed more, and been so disappointed with in human nature during my pregnancy. It seems like some of us just naturally seek to judge others for not doing "it" (whatever "it" is) their way. Whether it's how to have and raise your child, how to be successful in your career or relationships, or what it means to be healthy--someone always thinks their way is the only or best way.
I wish everyone who hocks a pill, a piece of exercise equipment or a nutrition system for weight loss could spend one moment in the shoes of the person feeling inadequate and insecure because of their bodies. I know some of those folks actually have been overweight and struggled too, but it seems like they forget how it feels. They forget how much they might have benefited from someone accepting them, loving them and thinking they're beautiful--just the way they were.
It bothers me that we live in a world where it is more acceptable and even more desirable to change everything about ourselves physically and otherwise to be valued than it is to offer each other understanding shoulders, acceptance and love. I'm sure it's an idealistic view, but when I think about the women in my family lineage and how so many of them have been pear shaped and all kinds of other not-so-desirable shapes, I want my daughter to grow up feeling that her shape is perfect--whatever it is, and that she doesn't have to turn herself inside out to be worthy of love--whether that love is from someone else or just from herself. I want her to grow up in a world where we don't voyeuristically watch others struggle with weight loss, body image, personal hardships and missteps to line the pockets of networks and companies that profit from the misfortunes of others. It doesn't seem like a dumb thing to wish for.
If you have to turn yourself inside out to be worthy of something, how real can that something be?
Just the Way You Are--Bruno Mars
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)