So, I haven't written for a while. For a number of reasons, I just haven't felt like it. I had been experiencing a sense of immaturity about it and the way that it sometimes feels like open mic night at a comedy club, when there are only a couple of people in the crowd, and they're really just there because of the fabulous potato skins and chicken tenders. I've also been wrestling with a new work assignment that has left me feeling drained mentally and physically. Writing seemed, once again, to have become something that really didn't do anything for anyone, except me, and like so many people, I felt like it was hard to justify something that seemed kind of self-centered.
Being self-centered isn't a hard concept for me, as I am sure it's not for many of us. It's easy to get stuck in moments that aren't great and be consumed by them. It's easy to get wrapped up in little events, things and excitements. But occasionally, life clotheslines us, and we realize that some things are really huge.
About four weeks ago, Jeph and I found out that we were going to be parents--to something without fur. Some things are impossible to believe, no matter how many times you see evidence of it. Like most women, I had decided not to spread the unbelievable news around until I felt like it was "safe" and that we were out of the scary time.
And then, the next life altering event: Jeph Blanchard throws a blood clot to a lung and spends three days in a hospital bed, completely out of control of one of the things he is constantly in control of--his body. The awareness of the gravity of the situation was not lost on me, and of course, the fear that something could happen to my partner in this big adventure hit me like a freight train. I'm sure the mere two hours of sleep I got after learning of this crazy made the weight of the situation significantly greater.
When you overcome the odds of age, percentages and a bullet, you figure that the biggest bump left will literally be the biggest bump your body will ever experience. The pursuit of getting pregnant and the thought of trying to become a parent is really pretty abstract. In the early days, I really haven't "felt" pregnant. But reading about it in multiple sources and visiting about it with experienced friends assured me that I was normal. At this point, it's important for us to all switch off the goggles and extendible ears that allow us to see and hear that biological clock ticking away as I get halfway through my fortieth year. My age was my only hurdle. My only fear.
I had already decided not to be a hero. I thought of the many women I have worked with over the years and how they had managed their pregnancies. They ranged from the very protective and needy, to the obscenely independent and blase. I've literally worked with women who have gone into labor at work. I don't see the sense of that. I was just going to do what I felt comfortable with. Unfortunately, in our work life, most of us feel compelled to be what everyone else needs, and most of the time, we put what we need on the back burner.
I had also decided not to be a crazy pregnant lady. I wasn't going to worry about every soda I shouldn't drink or every pound overweight I already am. I wasn't going to request that we purchase a special mask for me to wear while I managed anesthesia at work, and while I clearly wasn't going to clean any litter boxes, I was still going to touch cats. I wasn't going to freak out about every little bloat, cramp or spot. I wasn't going to be the wife who looked at her husband and said "no, honey, it might hurt the baby."
I know that there's really only so much anyone can control in life. I've made it pretty clear in past blogs that I'm not relying on some mystical, unknown being to save me or to magically wipe away any bad. But I never expected to feel the way I have felt in the last twenty-four hours. I never knew how horrible uncertainty and waiting could feel. I never knew that I could feel so protective about something that is so small. I never knew that potentially losing something the size of a lentil bean could make me feel so stripped bare. The limbo state of waiting for "threatened" to become "eminent" is painful. The prospect of things ending badly, and having to try again is sobering.
Part of me doesn't want to hope that the tiny intervention might work, because what if we are trying to save something that just wasn't meant to be? Part of me wants beyond all medical knowledge and reason to fight hard. Part of me wonders if there's something in our nature that helps us know when something is wrong, and if that's why I hadn't been ready to start writing in that journal I picked up while baby shopping for a friend.For weeks, I have been thinking about one of my favorite movies about becoming a mother: "The Waitress." Jenna, played by Kerri Russell, finds herself in the family way while in the midst of a miserably unhappy marriage. One of the first things she does is write a letter to her unborn child, and she continues to do this periodically throughout the movie.
"Dear baby..." all of the letters begin. That's how I had been envisioning this time would be. Almost as if giving up writing here would be replaced with writing there.
As I sit waiting for my body to decide what to do, I am filled with uncertainty. I am filled with grief. I am filled with the emptiness of not knowing. But I think that no matter what happens, I am reminded today of how I cope with life. I cope with it using letters and words, and they don't have to be for anyone else. They can be just for me.
Dear lentil bean,
We don't know if we will get to meet you or not. We hope that you know we were finally feeling ready for you, and we were going to love you so much. We know if you can't make it, that there is a really good reason, and we will hope some piece of who you were going to be will find us again. For now, just rest quietly while we all wait to see. We're going to do our best to do the same, and hopefully tomorrow I will be able to write you again and tell you that everything looks much better.
Love,
Lima Bean
Fires--Band of Skulls
Sammi, I am not entirely certain about what is going on in the Blanchard Household because we don't see each other as often as I would like, but I know from facebook you guys have been through quite a lot of bumps within a very short procession of time. I don't want to make assumptions on what this blog post might be about, but I do want you guys to know and especially you Sammi as we are both women, that the Blanchard family has taught me many wonderful and beautiful things that makes up a loving, caring relationship.
ReplyDeleteSammi, as you know, my parents are wonderful people and I believe they raised my brother and I very well. But, in recent circumstances, everything I have learned and felt from my parents has completely changed and I find myself questioning their motivations, suspicious of their words and outright stung by their war-torn mentality and the friendly fire of their judgments that are hitting both Jeremy and I in the cross hairs.
And in all of this, I have long since adopted you and Jeph as my personal trophy relationship. Not in the sense that everything is perfectly shiny and pristine, but as an object that is sturdy, stainless steel and elegantly formed to weather the storms life throws at us.
Shane and I have begun to talk about the big "M" and have decided that by the end of this year before we move to Colorado we would like to announce it to our families. It was a hard decision to make, especially with the history Shane has with his family and now the history I have with mine. We had a fight a couple months ago about the idea of marriage, not wanting to run into it too fast and not wanting to “deal ourselves a bad hand before starting the game”, so to speak. His argument was that we have had a lot of setbacks financially and emotionally as a couple just in this first year and a half together. He wanted to get through at least 6 months without anything “Bad” happening.
We ended up talking about our “setbacks”. Every relationship is going to have them because that’s how life is. It throws things at you seemingly just because. It will never stop because time does not stop. I talked about you guys in particular and the setbacks you guys have had. Work, friends, health, money, marriage, children, etc. will ALL be things that create setbacks and it’s up to us to not fight with each other but to fight against the problem itself, as a team. You and Jeph have worked as a team since the beginning, and from what I see right now (on facebook, albeit), you two are as devoted and close as ever, fighting and owning all bumps that come your way and you guys do it together.
I told Shane that I don’t want our relationship to be perfect; I don’t even want it to be smooth the entire time. The bumps define us and bring us closer together and there has been no better example of this than you and Jeph.
I guess I wanted to write a response to this post in particular because I want you to know that your words are not just some selfish hobby, they have taught me many great things about an abundance of categories of life. I don’t really have many heart to hearts with my mother nowadays about the woes and pros of a long term relationship, but I feel like I kind of get that through reading your blog posts and face book. You do have an audience and that audience is grateful.
I hope everything works out with you and your lentil bean. And I also know that whatever happens, everything will be ok.