Hopefully today's a day you celebrate a wonderful partnership, with someone who accepts you for who and what you are, and actually would be upset if you were any other way. With some of us, I know that can be a tough sell. If not, I'd like to challenge you to think about the long and short of life, and consider what you need to do to make your partnerships more meaningful, or to find new ones. I know, that's a pretty bold and almost inflammatory statement, but hang in there, I have a point.
When we think of relationships on this Valentine's Day, we're thinking mostly of the ones that garner us flowers, obnoxious balloons, and maybe even a dazzling new rock. But we are involved in many different relationships within our lives that have nothing to do with romantic love, and often times, those relationships have as much or more to do with our contentment and satisfaction in life as the ones we share as part of a couple.
It took me many years to realize that while I have a connection to my mother, having a relationship with her is impossible. I haven't interacted with her in three years. When I made the break with her, it was particularly painful because of the trigger, but in the years that have passed, I have had time and distance to aid me in viewing my relationship with her as it really was. Toxic and harmful. I now equate the anniversary of this break as many substance abusers do--it's like a chip ceremony. It's one more year that I have not been abusing myself with the toxicity of a relationship that was uneven and in most ways, inappropriate.
I know that most people would argue the importance of forgiveness, and I understand that in some situations, forgiveness has a place. If I looked at this break with pain and bitterness, I would be able to conceive that my decision not to forgive was causing mutual harm. It's not.
I also know that it's a lofty and narrow view, but I believe that our relationships and partnerships in life should be mutually beneficial. We should receive as much from each other as we give. But sometimes, we get lost in a moment. And sometimes moments last a very long time.
Everyone has heard of the woman who falls in love with a man she cannot have--a man that strings her along with false hope.
I remember in third grade I was madly in love with Gary Dykes. He was in fourth grade and, understandably, he liked fourth and fifth grade girls. They always seemed prettier than I. But I was undaunted. I passed him notes at recess. I chased him on the playground, and I started playing soccer during those recesses because he played. Over my two-year one-sided love affair with Gary, he occasionally talked to me and acted like he might like me too. We were even "going together" for, like, two days. I remember getting a cheap heart charm engraved with his name and putting it on a chain when we were "together." Halfway through our brief "relationship," I caught him flirting with someone else. I was so hurt, I dumped the necklace down the loose back of his jeans while he chatted this other girl up on the swings. I swore we were through. But, then, he apologized. The very next day, he did the same thing. My heart was broken. Again, I swore I was done. But there was just something about him. I couldn't shake him--not even when we were particularly rough with each other during a game of soccer and I fell down, ruining my brand new, cream colored carpenter jeans. And not when he kicked my right thumb so hard I thought it was broken.
Why would anyone be stupid enough to continue with this senseless infatuation? Sadly, he wasn't the last infatuation in my life, and he wasn't the last thing that I fell in love with that let me down.
Many people ask the same question about women in hard-core abusive relationships, in which lives are in danger. And today, we realize that some men find themselves in similarly abusive relationships, either with women, or in the case of abusive same-sex relationships. Currently up for debate is the renewal of the Violence Against Women Act which is intended to protect a broader set of individuals in situations of domestic violence and sexual violence. Legislation like this is needed to give individuals in abusive relationships an ounce of courage when they need it most--the security to know that if they have to run away in the middle of the night, the legal system is supposed to be a help, not a harm to them.
The same mother I broke with, was in an abusive marriage for sixteen years. She believed she had no other choice, and that she would end up on the streets. She never realized that every moment she remained in that marriage was a moment I believed we would all die. I would rather have ended up on the street. These "bad romances" impact everyone and everything around us. The pain she suffered from the bruises, black eyes, and finger prints around her neck were the visible evidence of the hereditary disease of believing she deserved nothing more.
I believe people who find themselves in relationships or partnerships--of any kind--that are abusive or not mutually beneficial do so because they somehow believe they aren't worth anything better, or because there might not be anything else out there for them. This is true of romantic partnerships, friendships, family relationships, and even our relationships with work.
I was fortunate enough not to end up in an abusive marriage, but I still sometimes find myself in the rabbit hole of believing that things that aren't working can't be changed. It's hard to completely break out of that pattern. What we often don't realize is that, while yes, the situation is harmful, we are also harming ourselves. Every moment we fail to hope, we doom ourselves to an endless entanglement of continued and future harm.
Breaking away from relationships that put us in danger, hurt us emotionally, or assist in the diminishing of our self-worth, is easier said than done. Sometimes, it is through these relationships that we have financial stability. Other times we remain in relationships due to family or social obligations. And in many cases, the devil we know seems safer than the devil we haven't met yet.
Every time we are beaten down, lied to, misled or taken advantage of, a piece of us is damaged. The building blocks of our hope and ability to believe in something better are compromised. If this "loving" situation can make us feel so horrible, imagine what it would be like to take the risk of involving ourselves in something new. And if we aren't even worthy of a mutually beneficial relationship with this person we are so attached to, how could we be strong enough to make it on our own?
I think the only way to start building the ladder out is to look around for the people and things in our lives that become lifelines. Maybe it's a best friend who offers you help, or tries to remind you that you are worth more on your own than you're allowing yourself to believe or be. It could be a spiritual leader you trust recommending viable resources. In the case of a non-romantic, toxic and harmful relationship, you might turn to a spouse who will sit in a hot tub and let you cry on their shoulder at the end of a hard day.
Maybe you're not brave enough yet. Courage is hard. When you have trouble believing in yourself, learning something new is really hard. The longer you've been in the situation, the more entangled you have become. The answers don't seem easy, and the risk seems much bigger.
I Want to Break Free--Queen
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