So, I have been honored with an opportunity to do something new this week. I've been asked to speak to a group of people who are in the midst of some of the greatest struggles of their lives. Many of them are recovering from difficult chapters in their lives, in which they suffered abuse at the hands of someone they loved and trusted. Others are fighting the demons of substance abuse.
When I was initially asked to speak, I was taken aback. I wish I didn't know so much about domestic violence and abuse, but at the same time, when I thought of things from a superficial standpoint, I didn't think I knew anything about what folks coming out of substance abuse might be going through. How could I make a difference for people with such varied backgrounds?
The thing that kept coming back to me from my own experience was the fact that the central figure in any abusive or toxic situation is very rarely the only person being affected by the situation. I know that was the case for my sister and me. But while you're in the situation as the central figure, it's often pretty difficult for you to comprehend the level at which others are being affected, and it's often difficult to understand that just because you walk away, a part of what happened will always be with you and with those around you who are being impacted.
I usually don't have to work that hard to get through a day without dwelling on the past. Time has a way of putting enough distance between you and all the bad, that you can have long periods of time in which the past doesn't really find its way to your surface. And sometimes you forget that you weren't alone. I know that I've done that. I just didn't really think about it until this past weekend.
My younger sister came to visit with my nephew. I hadn't seen her in a long while. Inevitably when she visits, we end up talking about our mom, and often, we end up talking about many things from our childhood.
My sister is nine years younger than me. The most vivid memory I have of her in relation to the fighting in our household was the moment my stepfather laid her on the kitchen table so he could go after my mom. She was probably about six months old at the time. I remember her tiny form kicking and flailing on the table, and I was terrified she would fall off. To this day, I am dumbfounded at the sight of my infant sister on that table. I grabbed her, and we sought sanctuary together in my room. Over the years, that became a common pattern--the two of us holed up in my room together, praying to whatever might exist that this wouldn't be the time he actually killed her--or us.
After sixteen years, my mom had finally had enough. Sadly, it wasn't until my step-father tried to harm someone outside of our family. I guess somehow the threat to everyone in our household just wasn't quite enough incentive for us to leave or for her to get him out of the house.
Until this past weekend, it never occurred to me how much my sister was impacted by everything that happened in our house. I've been living my life and struggling through my own stuff--just like most of us do. She currently lives in the last house we all lived in together. She talked about the fear she has of the back end of that house, and the memories she has of him coming down the hallway while fighting with our mom. For me, all of the bad resides in the front of the house--probably because that's the area of the house where I suffered the most personal abuse. I'm fortunate that I will never have to set foot back in that house again, but my sister is within those walls every single day.
It really made me think.
Domestic violence is a horrible thing. When you hear or read about it, people often talk about "breaking the cycle." It seems like domestic violence is a history that many future generations find themselves doomed to repeat.
My mom didn't marry this monster because she wanted to put herself or her children in jeopardy. She didn't marry him because he was the great love of her life either. She married him because she didn't think she could do better, and because she didn't think she could make it on her own. In retrospect, I'm sure that she regrets her choices. As is common in the cycle, it wasn't destined to be her only bad choice, and sadly, though I can recognize many things I can't blame her for within the cycle, many of her other choices have strained our relationship so greatly that we don't talk.
My mom bruises easily, and it was pretty frequent that she had to dress to cover bruises, or lie about the source of black eyes. I think many people knew the truth. And one of the greatest paradoxes is that my mom could see that others in similar situations should try to get away, but she couldn't see a way to do so herself. The fear of financial disaster and insecurity was so great, it was beyond her to consider that maybe being poor and scrambling to somehow get by was safer than the threat we lived under everyday. And unlike today, there were no safe havens. If you had no family or friends to take you in, you were basically screwed. The shelters and assistance available today are limited, and the organizations offering help often are financially challenged in ways that stretch the word "creative" to the max. My mom may have been too proud to seek the help of a shelter or organization like the one I will speak at this week, but because there was no place, all I can do is wonder.
When I think of those trapped within the cycle of domestic abuse or substance abuse, the easiest comparison that comes to my mind to help others understand what the situation is like, is what it must be like to be a smoker addicted to nicotine.
No one just decides one day that they want to smoke because of the harmful physical effects that smoking can have on the body. They also don't choose to smoke because they want to have their habit potentially harm those close to them through exposure to their second hand smoke. There's usually some other underlying social reason that those of us who don't smoke often can't relate to.
Smoking leads to many different physical ailments. The most obvious one being lung cancer. When you start talking about lung cancer, you have to realize that the conversation doesn't stop with lung cancer. It's invasive and it often spreads to other very important organ systems in the body--systems the body relies on for survival just as much as the lungs.
But even without the big 'C,' smoking is damaging. If you ever see a picture of healthy lungs, they are a nice shade of light pink with a smooth texture. Smoker's lungs frequently are gray, or even black and often have a mottled texture. I think many people are still under the false impression that if you stop smoking, the damage to your lungs heals and they return to normal. The reality is that much of the damage that occurs is permanent.
It's the ultimate Debbie Downer of situations. If quitting isn't going completely heal you, and if there's a chance that you will always be at risk for serious illness, what's the point of stopping? The bright side is that quitting smoking will improve your health and your life. You will breathe easier. You likely will be sick less often. If you decide to run a marathon, you are probably more likely to be able to do so without coughing up one of those damaged lungs. The sooner you make the choice to quit, the less damage you have done to yourself and to those around you.
People who don't smoke, and have never smoked, often offer smokers advice and encouragement to stop. Without meaning to, they can come across as being somewhat critical of those who find the prospect of quitting to be so challenging that they often have tried to quit multiple times.
Domestic violence and toxic relationships with substances are a lot like that.
Unless you live alone on an island, every bad situation in your life radiates beyond yourself. Just like lung cancer, what you do to yourself impacts those around you who are important to you. They could be your children. They could be friends or extended family.
The longer you are in the situation, the greater the damage to yourself and those around you. And while recovering from, and surviving these situations can help you heal, there are parts of you, and parts of those around you that will always be damaged.
People are often critical of those who find themselves trapped in such struggles. They often express difficulty understanding why a woman stays in a violent relationship. They think it's easy to check into substance abuse programs and overcome addiction. After all, surely these people know the harm they are causing to themselves and others.
But it's not simple. The first time my mom tried to leave was probably a year after she married my stepfather. She didn't have her own car and we didn't have a phone at the time. She dragged me in the rain in my pajamas across the street from our trailer park to a phone booth to call my grandma to come and get us. My grandma turned her down. We talked about leaving thousands of time throughout the years, but there was never a way. She didn't try again until the night I tried to run away my freshman year in college. I think seeing me desperate enough to jump out of a moving car may have caught her attention. Unfortunately, we ended up going back just a few days later. I don't have any experience with substance abuse, so all I can do is imagine that the struggle is similar.
People are quick to offer their opinions and advice about what people in such situations should do, but not many of them are quick to offer their help or any real support. It's maddening. If it was easy to do, I promise, those women would leave, and those who are addicted would break free too.
Most of the time, people in these situations have to struggle on their own. No one can make the choice for them.
But just like with smoking, if you find your way out of the darkness of domestic violence or substance abuse, you will feel better and your life will improve. It won't happen overnight, and some things are always going to be harder. Some things are going to quickly transport you to places you thought you'd left behind. But many parts of you will heal. You will breathe more easily. You will be able to do things you couldn't do before.
And you won't be alone. Everyone touched by your situation will get to come along with you.
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