A spade is a spade, and a victim is a victim

So, it's been a while since I had a chance to write. I've had intensions. They just haven't materialized. I intended to get back to it with a blog about how much I have learned about mothering in the first year since I have been doing it. Mostly, I was going to talk about how there are as many ideas about the right way to be a mom, or parent to your kids as there are people who are doing it, and that is just as it should be.

I didn't get there.

It was probably inevitable that I would write about the recent scandal involving the Duggar family. I've expressed my feelings in brief here and there, but I honestly didn't feel all that compelled to say anything until they themselves decided to speak.

In the couple of weeks that have come and gone since oldest son Josh had to publicly acknowledge inappropriately touching five girls, including four of his sisters, as a young teenager, the family has quietly hidden behind carefully written statements that express how difficult that time was for their family, and how they sought help through their faith and took care of the issue on their own.

The media has flocked to the scene like a committee of vultures. It's pretty hard for scavengers to ignore a whiff of a fresh kill. I won't claim to be any better. 

Up until about a year ago, I had no interest in the Duggar family, but then I became pregnant, and through a series of twists and turns, we ended up moving to Northwest Arkansas--just about 25 miles or so away from the Quiverfull clan. I developed a little bit of a morbid curiosity about them. It really took hold when I happened to catch the episode recounting the tragic end to Michelle Duggar's last pregnancy. I admit, they have so many children that even though I knew the heartbreak of losing a pregnancy myself, I needed to see this episode to understand the sense of loss she felt. So, I became an occasional viewer. I even found myself a little "star struck" when I saw a pregnant Jill Duggar Dillard at Starbucks around Christmas. 

Last fall, legislation in Northwest Arkansas that made discriminating against individuals of the LGBT community illegal came under fire by conservatives. A petition to give voters a chance to repeal the law gathered enough signatures to bring about a special election. Michelle Duggar participated in robocalls to persuade voters that such legislation could be dangerous to children. If you're wondering just how a law protecting these individuals from discrimination could be dangerous to children, you have to be ignorant and have a wildly absurd imagination. 

And these are the words you have to use:

"Hello, this is Michelle Duggar. I’m calling to inform you of some shocking news that would affect the safety of Northwest Arkansas women and children." 

"The Fayetteville City Council is voting on an ordinance this Tuesday night that would allow men – yes I said men – to use womens and girls restrooms, locker rooms, showers, sleeping areas and other areas that are designated for females only. I don’t believe the citizens of Fayetteville would want males with past child predator convictions that claim they are female to have a legal right to enter private areas that are reserved for women and girls. "

While she does not come out and directly say that transgendered women--yes, I said women--are convicted child predators, the inference is there. And narrow-minded ignorance like that won the day.

When the Duggars chose to address the scandal involving their son Josh, they took their side to friendly territory. That's their right, and it's understandable. They portrayed themselves as victims of a malicious media. They reiterated that they had only done what they thought was best as a family. 

But the other things they did were to repeatedly talk about the fact that what Josh had done was "only" this or "only" that and the girls involved didn't even realize what had happened until they talked to them about it. They talked about a young teenager who had made mistakes and was so repentant that he came to them on his own--three times. 

Now, I understand that you don't stop loving your child when they've done something wrong, and it was clear that it was a very upsetting situation. After all, they ended up putting locks on the doors to keep it from happening again. That speaks to their fear. 

Two of the Duggar girls came forward as victims on a separate airing of the same program. They reiterated the fact that it was "only" this and "only" that, and that they had not known of Josh's wrongdoing until their parents told them. They clearly thought labeling him as a molester was icky and not accurate. They also felt that the media had victimized them "again" by releasing the story that they so clearly wanted to remain private.

And it's how the family has chosen to minimize what Josh Duggar did, how they have chosen to project an image of naïveté about how they handled it, and how they have chosen to ignore their role in their own scandal that compels me to speak. 

Michelle Duggar freely infers that people in the LGBT community are child predators without any basis in fact, yet will not acknowledge that her son preyed upon younger children in his household. And, yeah, you can argue that he was a curious teen, but a curious teen usually doesn't find someone nine or ten years younger than themselves very satisfying of that prepubescent curiosity. One of the girls he "only" touched "over clothing" was just five years old. 

They don't want to call him a child molester. I get that. Who wants to acknowledge that their kid molested a child? But here's the thing--just because they don't want to call him that, and just because his victims were unaware of the abuse doesn't negate the fact that it happened. It's like saying that a murder victim isn't truly a victim because they are dead, and therefore cannot be aware of being victimized. You don't have to be a pedophile to molest a child. Some sex crimes are simply crimes of opportunity. The perpetrator goes after whatever is readily available and easy prey. 

And that is where the minimization of what he did falls apart. What he did created fear in his household. It may primarily have been fear on his parents' part that he would touch one of the girls again, or perhaps go further. When Jill and Jessa Duggar talk about the media victimizing them "again," they are accidentally acknowledging that they felt victimized in the first place. 

The reality of this reality "show" is that they have chosen to try to "save" their oldest son's reputation at the expense of common sense. And their willingness to put themselves out on the world stage, and to broadcast their extreme conservative views that actually are ignorant and hurtful, put them in a position to become targets of those they have targeted. 

At the end of the day, they have unwittingly reinforced that the victims in this series of incidents involving inappropriate touching are not as valuable as their beliefs or the perpetrator of the acts. They keep talking about how minimal the acts were. They keep talking about how everyone else has harmed them. 

At no point do they consider the message they have sent to their daughters about their value, or that targeting other people and labeling them as something with which they are fully familiar has brought their house of cards down around them. 

Megan Kelly ends the airing of her interview on The Kelly File with Jill and Jessa Duggar by parading a panel of experts through her studio. The focus becomes the media and how they have traumatized this family, and how this will prevent other victims and their families from seeking help. They also discuss how the victims feel betrayed by the fact that the police report was released via the Freedom of Information Act. Here's the thing--if your family and people you trust tell you and everyone else around you that what has happened to you was not that bad, why would you believe you needed help anyway? If your family has done everything they could to protect the person who did these things to you, how valuable would you feel? 

The Duggars do a pretty good job of portraying themselves as parents who were just trying to do the best they could. They also do a pretty good job of expressing how emotionally traumatizing that period of their family's life was. But they are far more sophisticated than they want their viewers to believe, and they slip. Jim Bob talks about the fact that as parents, they were not "mandatory reporters." This means they were savvy enough to consider the legal ramifications of Josh's actions and what their own culpability would be. He conveniently fails to address the fact that previously, as a candidate running for political office, he declared that criminals committing rape or incest should be eligible for the death penalty. 

Based on how this family has chosen to minimize what one of their own has done, clearly this belief only applies to others. It is also clear that if you convince yourself that what Josh Duggar did as a teen was only a series of bad decisions and mistakes, it's easier ease your conscience about labeling others without justification. 

I claim no belief system or specific faith, but if any of what is published within the Gospels is accurate--and frankly, even it it's just a nice guide--it seems to me that none of what the Duggars have done are things that Jesus would do. 

People who have been victims of the types of "minimal" acts that Josh Duggar committed, and who were aware of their victimization find the way the Duggar family gently explains everything away to be a bitter pill. It would be great to be "blissfully unaware" of the harm someone has done to you. It would also be great if that person apologized to you and truly changed as in this case. I hope the five girls he harmed are truly as okay as they claim to be. 

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