I wasn't paying attention at all--until a friend's daughter was stopped by a teacher at school and accused of being dressed in a "come get me" outfit. I've known this 13-year-old's mother since first grade. The last thing her daughter would ever wear is an outfit that says "come get me." And really, just what is a "come get me" outfit?
Naturally, she was more than a little upset about the incident.
My mom used to talk about the dress code for girls where she went to school. They weren't allowed to wear pants. It seemed like a million years ago to me when I was growing up. I honestly don't remember many restrictions associated with clothing when I was going to school. In fact, the only ones I do remember were that boys couldn't wear hats to school, and we weren't allowed to wear Spuds McKenzie clothing because of its association with beer.
I was a little bit of an odd ball. I helped start a petition to allow the boys to wear their hats.
The other thing I remember a lot about getting dressed for school is that it was my first awareness that some families had more and nicer things than others. Kids with the nicer clothes often were more popular. It took me a long time to learn that I couldn't just worm my way into those popular groups with my winning personality. It took an even longer time for me to get over that lesson.
Like it or not, what we wear tends to define who we are in the eyes of others. It's very upsetting that society seems to be unwilling to shift from the idea that girls and women are in some way trying to draw sexual advances and judgement unless their bodies are covered up.
I think we believe we are doing our girls and boys some kind of favor by restricting girls' clothing based on the amount of skin showing, or the shape of the body part that can be discerned. What we are actually doing is teaching them that girls and women are responsible for deflecting unwanted sexual attention from boys and men. We are teaching boys that if a girl or woman fails to cover herself up "appropriately," she is asking for boys and men to "come get her." And we are teaching them both that boys and men cannot, should not and will not be expected to exert any self control.
We've been teaching these lessons for too long. I would hazard to guess that there is not one mother or father who wants their daughter to become the victim of rape. I would also guess that there is no parent who wants their son to be a perpetrator of such a crime. So, why do we keep teaching these terrible lessons?
The thing about these lessons that perplexes me most, is that we tell girls they shouldn't wear clothing that shows too much skin or that accentuates certain parts of their bodies, but when I go to shop--even for my toddler--skirts are short, shorts are short, jeans are "skinny," and many other items are miniature adult-wear.
Our magazines sell sexuality. Our television shows and other entertainment sell sexuality. Family values centered companies like Carl's and Hardee's burgers sell bacon cheeseburgers with ketchup and mayonnaise dripping on women's cleavage. How are our kids supposed to understand all of these mixed messages?
The answer is that they don't. I know I don't, and I am in my forties.
My daughter hasn't begun to show an interest in clothing yet. Mostly, she fights getting dressed, and the only things she pays attention to are the stay tabs on her diaper or any embellishment with which she can fiddle. I try to dress her in clothes in which she can easily play. My goal is to let her be a kid for as long as possible where clothing is concerned. But when she starts to show an interest in clothing, I am going to challenge myself not to restrict her.
We live in a nation with great potential to uplift women and girls, and to set an example for the rest of the world. We often hear of terrible crimes and acts perpetrated against women and girls in less developed nations. These are usually based on the same ideals that if women and girls choose not to dress or act appropriately in the eyes of men, they are fair game. And while I agree that in many respects, being born a girl in the United States translates to many freedoms and assumed protections that we take for granted, women and girls are still being told--everyday--that they are not worthy of managing their own bodies and life choices--even down to what they wear.
When I think of the hypocrisy with which we treat women and girls in respect to sexuality, safety and freedom, I wonder why we think we have the right to declare ourselves so much better.
I know biases are difficult to overcome. I, myself, think about how women dress and feel silent judgement. I often fear that because of a culture that emphasizes the idea of the "temptress" from school age to adulthood, that young girls and women start to take the easy route. When we want attention fast, oversexualized attire and behavior will usually get it. Of course, this feeds the beast--the one that convinces some women and girls that the only attention they can get, and that they are worthy of is attention to their appearance and their bodies. And restrictive dress codes based on skin and body parts are one place where these ideas get their start.
The sad reality is that as long as we keep teaching our kids that girls and women are "asking" for someone to "come get" them, our world is not going to become safer for girls and women. It will continue to be a place where, especially as a former victim, I will be worried about how my daughter chooses to dress. It isn't right, and it isn't fair that girls and women have to do things our boys and men are not expected to do. They have to exert self-control. They have to limit their own self-expression. They have to dress and behave defensively.
For me, the easiest answer would be universal implementation of school uniforms--not to ensure that girls are "properly covered," but to level the playing field. If girls can't freely choose what they wear to school because it might interfere with learning, then boys shouldn't have that choice either.
The real and honest truth about sexual violence is that it isn't caused by what a girl or woman is wearing. It is caused, at least in part, by the perpetual education of boys and men that they are not responsible for their urges or actions. If you were a sexual predator, and you knew that there was an outside chance that the person you raped would be shamed and blamed for provoking the rape, would you take that chance? I don't know. But it's a scenario that some rape victims face when it comes to seeking justice against their rapists. What was she wearing? How much did she drink? Was she flirting?
If we want to raise strong, independent women who can go out and take over the world, we need to recognize the harm we are doing, and the lessons we teach that discourage them. If we want victims of sexual abuse, domestic violence, emotional abuse and sexual violence to come forward and to know they aren't to blame, we need to teach them that nothing they wear, do, or say is justification for a man to do these things--ever. If we want women to be strong and confident in their own skin, we need to stop teaching them their skin and their bodies are somehow dangerous.
No one wears a "come get me" outfit. No one says "come get me." So, when are we going to stop teaching our girls and boys that they do?
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