A mom on the edge--and NOT the edge of glory.

So, this isn't the greatest week of my mothering career. And before anyone says, "Oh, there are are going to be lots of times you feel that way, and at the end of the day it all works out," I just need to say what I need to say without any advice, wisdom, or mom-power in return. Sometimes, you just need to be able to say "Things really suck," so maybe then you can heave a deep sigh of relief that you didn't continue to try to swallow your frustration over and over. Sometimes that frustration you are trying so hard to swallow is so large, it feels like nothing is going to wash it down. 

It's another week where sleep is hit or miss most of the time. It's another week where as soon as I clean up something, it, or something else, gets dumped out in its place. It's another week where I feel like if I just try to do one thing I want to do, it gets hijacked, sidetracked, and derailed. It's another week where I want to sleep a solid six or seven hours without someone right up in my grill or attached to me. It's another week where I want to get dressed and get ready to go to bed or leave the house peacefully. It's another week where I want to be able to sit and watch an entire movie or episode of anything in one sitting, and without becoming a human jungle gym or pacifier. It's another week where I want to make a meal everyone gets to enjoy all at the same time. It's another week where I think wistfully of projects and goals that I just can't get to.

I know most of this is going to either pass or get easier, but for right now, I just feel so powerless and drained all of the time that I almost feel like I am constantly operating at a deficit. If one thing is going well, fifty other things are failing or suffering. And I do know that I am not alone, so I'm not trying to sit here and say that I am the only mom who has ever experienced any of what I am going through, or that my experience is the worst. I am sure I am a mostly average mom, with a mostly average toddler. 

But like every mom, sometimes you just have to say "uncle," and admit that just for a few minutes, or maybe even a whole day, you need things to be all about you. You need to be able to pity yourself for a few minutes and then get on with it. You need to be able to mourn and let go of all that you miss. You need a clean and somewhat organized house. You need your old jeans to fit. You need your half finished projects to be completed to your satisfaction. You need to write more than a blog. You need clear skin and great hair that isn't in a pony tail holder. You need a Dr. Pepper without feeling like a cheat. You just need a little more of yourself. 

And I don't say any of this as a slight against my partner. He does without many of these things, too. He's just much better at managing the public side of his frustrations than I am. I am apparently a natural emoter, for better or worse. I've tried to quit, but nobody makes a patch for that. 

At least a dozen things would probably magically make all of this frustration better. Regular exercise, making mom friends and spending time with them, time on my own, hobbies--the list is probably endless. But many of these things require consistency, and that's at least one of a million things that I feel like I am grieving. I never tried to force a schedule on my daughter, because of the things you have to do to make that happen that I wasn't comfortable with. And the whole word "force" is just naturally icky for me. I'm not a granola attachment mom, but I suppose I dance along the edge. Every day is essentially at my daughter's whim. Some days, the lack of consistency and control just makes me feel out of control and like a failure. 

I watch as everything spirals around me to certain "disaster." A Gogurt gets intentionally squeezed all over the floor before I can stop it. So, before I can process it, I yell. She asks for pizza and green beans for breakfast and only eats the green beans. She then steals my toast. She asks for a hug, but only so she can nurse. Every request is a loud demand. Unread magazines, unfinished projects and unfinished thoughts are scattered about, and the sink is full of dishes. The laundry is piling again. There are toys--so many toys--everywhere. In her room, in the living room, in the kitchen, in the dining room, in our bedroom. I yell. I try to reason with someone who has no concept of reasoning. I sigh. I huff. I feel ignored. I feel like a crazy person. 

I had no illusions about being a stay-at-home mom. I knew it was a full time job, and that it wasn't easy. The thing is, even when you know the score, you don't know how it feels until you are actually playing the game. And I know working moms have their own list of things to feel bad about. 

Mother's Day is just a few days away. The Internet is sprinkled with intermittent reminders to buy your mom the perfect gift, and blogs declaring that all Mom really wants is to go to the bathroom or take a shower alone. To be honest, I think what every mom wants for Mother's Day (or any day) is as different as every mom is. And maybe that is the essential core of what we all want for those "special" days, to experience something--gift or otherwise--that helps us connect with ourselves for a moment. For some of us who have this mom thing really figured out (AKA--the liars), maybe that is a t-shirt with a blazing "Mom of the Year" slogan on it. For some of us, it's a trip to the bathroom alone. For some of us, it's a day off from our job to spend with our kid(s). For some of us, it's just to feel like our sane and more together selves during a trying time. 

Regardless of what that gift looks like for each of us, I hope we all get what we want. 

Happy day, mommies! Happy day!

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