I can’t just watch: the fall of a nation

I have really been struggling the last month or so. The path we are on as a nation has begun to feel as overwhelming to me as it was in the early days following the 2016 election. Just like those days, I have been finding myself daily in tears. I have felt fearful about the future. I have several times thought to myself “But for the grace of god.”

There hasn’t been a day since November 8, 2016, that I didn’t wake up feeling an undercurrent of dread. But with the murder of reporter Jamal Khashoggi, and our president’s continued friendship with Saudi Arabia, due to self-interest, my dread has been freshened, and my worry about our path renewed. When it was followed by the bombs sent to Democratic leaders and opposition, people being shot because of their color, and others being killed while they worshipped, I have increasingly felt worn down.

A couple of months ago, I was coming home from a trip to Kansas City. I stopped at a Walmart in a small town to grab something. I had decided that I wanted something fizzy, but not a regular soda, and I wanted a healthy-ish snack that would be easy to eat while driving. After two days of fast food, and too much soda, I just wanted something “nice.”

As I walked toward the entrance, I passed a truck with a bumper sticker declaring mistrust of the mainstream media. The truck was really beat up, and had seen better days. For whatever reason, I imagined what the owner must be like. I thought of a rough, over tanned, middle aged man wearing a Mossy Oak hoodie, and walking stiffly through the aisles of the store. He was a hard worker who had trouble making ends meet, and every time he almost made up a little ground, something would happen, and the little bit of extra cash he had would be gone.

The person I imagined made me feel guilty and sheepish.

I struggled to find anything like the blood orange soda I had picked up at a specialty store in Kansas City, and the only snack that kind of seemed nice was a small bag of Dove dark chocolate covered almonds. Again, my feelings of dissatisfaction about what was there made me feel guilty.

I thought about the owner of that truck again, as I made my way back to my car. I considered that many of the people I disagreed with who are like the truck owner I imagined are in a similar situation to those living in an American inner city. It’s easier and cheaper to grab a soda and a Snickers bar than to find or afford something “nice.”

I quietly vowed to myself that I would be more conscious—that I wouldn’t allow my difference of opinion, beliefs, and circumstances to dehumanize people like that truck owner. It occurred to me that when I slip, and judge someone for who they are in that way, I am no better than they are when they dehumanize blacks, immigrants, refugees, and people who worship differently than they do. I also felt angry that rich powerful men had so successfully exploited these folks by planting and fostering the idea that they are struggling because blacks, immigrants, and refugees are “stealing” something from them. They foster the idea that those people who are different somehow have it better than they actually do.

I still feel that way, even after the violence of the last several weeks, but now, my fear is getting stronger.

Eleven worshippers from The Tree of Life Synagogue in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania we’re shot down during Shabbat Service last weekend. One of those eleven people had survived the Holocaust, 
and come here to live without fear, only to be murdered by another man who hated her because of her faith.

In the early days of this president’s administration, I often saw these quotes turning up:

“The world will not be destroyed by those who do evil, but by those who watch them without doing anything.” ― Albert Einstein

“If you’ve ever wondered what you would have done during the Holocaust, you’re doing it now.”

In the early days, the hateful rhetoric and actions by the president were strong enough to make many of us feel that we could not just stand by. Many conservatives—Republicans—thought we were being hysterical, or crazy. But we felt we were witnessing the initial steps down a dark path.

I am still trying to uphold the silent vow I made in that Walmart parking lot, but it’s hard. It’s hard to counteract ignorance, fear and hatred with kindness, understanding and forgiveness.

And now, I am so worried. I helped canvass for a local candidate last weekend. Aside from my introversion, and insecurities about talking to people I didn’t know, I also worried—“What if someone gets angry? What if someone has a gun?”

I have been thinking all of this week about the thousands of our troops being sent to the southern border. I thought about the kind of strength and fortitude it would take to stand up and disobey a direct order or deployment. I wondered if there are people strong enough to do what is right.

I thought about the days of the Gestapo rounding up Jews, gypsies, the mentally disabled, and gays to go to concentration camps, or to be killed. I thought about how easy it would be for that to happen here—even without our military’s participation. I thought about the people who always talk about how the Jews were left defenseless because the government disarmed its citizens, and the frequent reminder that this is a perfect example of why gun safety reform is actually an attempt to take away people’s guns. Because there are more guns than Americans, it would be easy for this president’s base of supporters to take action, and start rounding up people in a show of support and strength.

Thinking about all of that, and my feel real sense of fear about that also made me feel angry, because it makes it hard to keep my vow. And it makes me think of the wealthy conservative Republican who just wants to keep every single penny he can grab, and how much he benefits from this level of fear, upheaval, and hatred. I thought about how often they try to take the moral high ground and talk about their love of Christ.

If you’re a Republican in the House or Senate, and you are quietly pretending that the worst isn’t really happening before your eyes, and you don’t need to change course, you are doing, right now, what you would have done in Germany as Adolf Hitler rose to power, and foolishly led its army into Russia. If you are an evangelical Christian ignoring all evidence that the president is black to his core and evil, because he promised to end abortion, you are doing what you would have done when your Jewish neighbor’s were being driven from their homes in cattle cars. If you are turned off by our political system, and think all of the choices are equally bad, and people who want to hold our leadership accountable for homegrown terrorism are crazy, that’s how you would have felt when piles of books were burned in town squares. If you are a white woman voting like your husband, because you don’t want to make waves, and you don’t want your way of life disrupted, you are doing what you would have been doing while children were being ripped away from their mothers as they were led away to die.

There are plenty of people who might read my words and say that I am just extremely paranoid and crazy. I’ll bet there were plenty of people just like me in Germany.

If we allow this downward spiral to continue, we will all be to blame, and the results could be dire. If you ever wondered what you would be doing if you started to see that your country was crumbling in front of you, you’re doing it right now. How will you face yourself? How will you face your children? How will you face the world?

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