So, I think maybe I understand where disappointment originates. I don't mean anger, I mean disappointment.
Each of us has a standard norm that is built into our psyche by the way we were raised and the events that shape our lives. Expectations are a part of that.
Some examples: when I was growing up, it was the expectation that I would eat foods I didn't like, brush my teeth twice a day and clean my room. But things happening around me also shaped what I think people should be able to expect from me. I've often talked about my rough growing up years and how terrible my stepfather was, but I credit him for establishing many of those aforementioned expectations as well as a few he never explicitly told me about.
He was the the kind of person who never did anything halfway. If he worked on something for you, he was going to do a really good job on it, or keep doing it over until he got it right. He adored his parents above anyone else in his life and always wanted to please them. I remember that they had an old chest that had belonged to I think his great-grandfather and it was in horrible condition. My step-dad decided to turn this beat up hunk of junk into something my step-grandparents would be proud of. He spent weeks repainting it, down to the very intricate and delicate ivy pattern that covered the top. Soon after, he refurbished a chair for them with similar dedication and at a ridiculous cost in relation to our family's income.
He didn't really know anything about doing these kinds of things, but because they belonged to people he cared so deeply about, he was willing to stretch himself to learn and to spend almost all of his free time working on them, and whatever extra money he had. He did a lot of other things for his parents that were much less elaborate, but it was from acts like these that I learned when you really care about somebody, you go out of your way for them, even to the point of putting yourself out.
Sometimes, I think that feeling spills over, to perhaps a slightly lesser degree, for me in other relationships. Of course I would painstakingly seek out the perfect something for Jeph or for one of our family members, but sometimes, I would do the same thing for someone who I am not as close to. I have often gone overboard for someone else.
I think expecting this behavior as a norm for myself often translates to a disappointment in others. I'm sure we all have things we expect from ourselves that make us feel very confused or disappointed when other people don't share them with us.
We just came back from a trip we had been planning for months--three days early--all because our expectations did not align with those of someone we relied upon to care for the little creatures we care most about. We know the quirks of those little creatures better than anyone, and never sugar coat how annoying some of the things they do are, mostly because we want to set the real expectation that one of them has to get up very early in the morning to go out, sometimes multiple times, and neither one climbs or goes down stairs anymore. All the "things" were getting done, but the person we trusted not to make us worry about them so we could shut down for a week unleashed a multi-paragraph e-mail listing all the things they do that were giving her difficulty. We had expected more. We were horribly disappointed.
On the other hand, one of the great pleasures of our trip was to return to a restaurant I had eaten at in Salem, and enjoyed so much. I take as many opportunities as I can to let them know how much I enjoy their food and their service. We got to meet the general manager Friday night and had a lovely dinner. I expected nothing more than just to tell her personally how great everything was. When we received our check, we were surprised to learn that she had paid for a round of our drinks for us. We hadn't expected that.
In Philadelphia, the woman giving us a free tour of the Edgar Allan Poe National Historic Site recited lengthy passages of Poe's works to us as she took us throughout the house. The interesting thing about that is the fact that she only works at the site two days a week. I wouldn't have expected a park ranger who only spends two days out of her week there to be so enthusiastic. She even recommended an easier adaptation of "Eureka," a prose poem that is hundreds of pages long and extremely difficult to read. She advised me that it had made the work much less cumbersome for her to get through. I hadn't expected anyone to care about that work besides me, let alone a park ranger who only spends two days a week caring about Poe as much as I do.
We had expected the awkward conversation with our dog sitter when we got home. It went exactly the way I expected it would. I hadn't expected a wonderful package from a friend that gave me something to smile about besides the faces of our hounds.
So, I guess, in the end, expectations are a give and take. Sometimes we have to understand that our own expectations are frequently unrelated to, and completely unaligned with the expectations of others. It turns out our dog sitter had no idea anything she said to us in that e-mail had come across as negatively as it did. She hadn't expected that her words would make us give up three days of our trip. And you know, maybe we shouldn't have. But at the end of the day, you love your "kids" more than anyone else ever will, and even when they are royal pains, you don't want to hear that from someone else. It was nice to wake up with a dachshund practically Velcroed to my back, and another one pacing around the room because he wanted on the bed too.
All of this reminded me of the Gin Blossoms tune "Hey Jealousy," and one of the best and most applicable lyrics ever written: If you don't expect too much from me, you might not be let down.
I don't want to stop expecting good things from other people, but maybe setting the bar a little lower wouldn't be so bad.
Hey Jealousy--Gin Blossoms
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