It's hard to be ready to live. I think many of us are raised to have all of our ducks in a row before taking giant leaps. If you think about it, that statement is a major contradiction in and of itself. If you plan every moment of your life, there are no leaps.
I am the daughter of a woman who never graduated from high school. She and I essentially grew up together. I saw the tragedy of her life and all the dreams that got laid to waste by being a single teen mom, and I always said to myself "not me."
I was never going to let my life plan me. To an extent, I think I've always kind of been rather arrogant about that. I watch other people doing the same thing to different degrees. I never had a time-line in mind for marriage, owning a house or having children. I've known a handful of people who probably have a planner hidden in a drawer somewhere with all of the dates carefully pinned down.
The last couple of years have provided a lot of teaching moments in our household, most of which have not been pleasant. We lost a family member. We've had our work issues. We nearly lost a second family member last spring. And of course, Jeph has been one of many trying to cope with the loss of innocence that came with the destruction of much of his hometown.
After the storm clouds and debris started to clear, it occurred to Jeph that he was tired of waiting to live his life.
There's a lot of weight in that statement.
How many of us have said the words "someday I'm going to...?" I don't know if I get through a single day without saying them.
This is the third of three days I've had off this week. True, I didn't feel well yesterday, and I have been obsessively trying to teach myself to knit, but I didn't really do anything to further my life. Some people write novels 15 minutes at a time. What am I doing? I almost feel guilty.
I started reading Richard Engel's memoir about covering the Iraq War this week. I've always loved the news, and frankly, Engel is probably one of the most bad ass people on the entire planet. He's probably only second to Christiane Amanpour in my book.
Engel was essentially unaffiliated at the beginning of the Iraq War. He had moved to the Middle East and lived in dumps as he learned Arabic, the culture and politics of the region. He had no legitimate way into Iraq, but he knew he had to get there. He couldn't wait for a reporter's visa. He got in with a visa for "peace activists." He got into the country by declaring himself to be a human shield for Saddam's regime. Who does that kind of crazy thing? Someone who can't wait to start living his life.
Today, he is the head foreign correspondent for NBC News. Every time I see him, I think, "man, what a stud!" And I thought that even before I knew that he strapped $20,000 into an Ace bandage around his ankle, pretended not to be able to speak Arabic in front of Iraqi officials, and bought off drivers, cops and during a drinking binge, he inadvertently revealed himself to someone who probably could have had him for lunch.
It all could have ended badly. But instead, he's living a life that probably exceeds his dreams. I would at least argue that it exceeds what he planned.
In lighter fair, it reminds me of the moment in "Twilight Saga:New Moon," when Bella is arguing with Edward about changing her into a vampire, and she looks at him and asks "What are you waiting for?" Presumably, Edward has been living a decent life for most of the previous 100 years, but once he meets Bella, he realizes that his life hasn't really had any life until now. Why would he want to wait another moment to be with her in every possible way? It's hard to fathom. Even Bella doesn't need 100 years to figure out that life is for now, not later, when she declares that she will marry Edward in "Twilight Saga: Eclipse," and she tells him that she is ready to start living her life.
Why is it that only people on television or in quirky teen vampire movies understand that life is for now? Oscar Wilde is credited with saying "Be yourself, everyone else is taken." I think we should go one better. Live your life now, you only get one chance. Sure, there are plenty of people who believe in Heaven and an afterlife, and maybe you're holding out for that, but a lot of people also play the lottery and never win. Why chance it?
As we all watch the sad images of that cruise ship off the coast of Italy, we see tragedy. Among those lost was a couple who had been waiting all their lives to take a trip around the world. They worked. They raised children. They did what they were supposed to do and they played by the rules. I'm sure that they didn't have any regrets about the way they had built their lives, but I wish they hadn't waited all that time, only to end up at the bottom of the sea. I bet their children do too. I wish they'd let the grandparents take care of the kids and they'd run up a giant credit card debt instead of waiting.
We plan and live ourselves into a corner. I forget this myself, until I get to a concert and find myself without a camera. It always occurs to me in that moment that I'm going to have to just be. I'm not going to get a perfect shot. My soul is going to have to get the perfect shot and I am going to have to be there in order to "record" the memory.
When I was fortunate enough to get kidnapped for a weekend last month, I had nothing to do with the planning. I didn't know where we were going or what we were going to do. It was some of the best time I've spent in a long time. I wish there were weekends and weekends more like that.
I regret waiting for someday, and for things to be "just so." As we consider adding another human to our family, I realize that I have waited until the last minute. Right now, I'm all about not making a big deal out of that. I guess as the months go by and the reality of all this waiting and ambivalence sets in, we'll have to remember what we have. We'll have to consciously decide not to look backward since we unconsciously spent so much time looking forward.
As the sun starts to cross over to the west end of the sky, I realize I'm letting another day slip away. Life is the breath you are taking right now. Life is the song on your radio. It's the dog at your feet. There is no tomorrow.
In the End--Snow Patrol
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