So, occasionally, we hit a phase of our lives where most everything seems to be in good order and a strange sort of happiness washes over us--if we're lucky. I can't explain it, but, I've managed to find myself in one of these phases. It's like a parallel universe or something that I don't want to take for granted.
The strange thing about it is that I find myself in moments of clarity that I would not otherwise see. This week, it occurred to me that even when we surround ourselves with people we love and enjoy so much, we can't help but sometimes hurt each other. It's not maliciousness, it's proximity and thoughtlessness.
Every day of our lives, we work, we hang out together, we care about each other and we care about ourselves. As much as those things work out together most of the time, occasionally they don't, and in pursuing our own wants and needs, or in validating our own values or moral codes, we step on each other.
I know people who have lost long time friends. I've lost long time friends. We ache and dwell on those losses sometimes. I think that it's because we don't understand why some things overpower the strength of ties we believe to be unbreakable.
One of my friends said she feels like it's hard to hold friendships together. I think that can be true. In a moment of hurt, we consciously or unconsciously make a choice: We have the option to remember what we know about a person and hold onto the goodness that binds us to them, or to completely disregard it and leave them behind. In times of hurt, we don't always process things before we make those choices.
Right now, I'm grateful for changes that have little to do with my own actions that have reminded me of this. For a while, I found myself in a bubble I couldn't break. I found myself desperately trying to remember the good, when hurting made me feel defensive and like I needed to walk away. When we've been hurt or put in bad positions, it's natural to want to protect ourselves from harm, and sometimes we do that by pushing people away and closing ourselves off.
While it's true that nobody can make our journeys through life for us, we can choose to share those journeys with others. Sometimes we even have to.
I think life is sometimes like the muscles around your lower spine: When they are in good shape, you can carry two dogs up and down stairs all day long, when they're not, even that thirteen pounder can be too much for you. When you can't lift and carry, you have to do one of two things: stay where you are, or ask for help.
It's hard to ask for help, but sometimes, you just can't carry your own weight. If we're lucky, there's nothing in the way for people to come to your rescue without being asked, but much of the time, we have to be brave enough to ask. Much of the time, we have to remember the people we want to ask for help probably want to help us, even it feels like there's distance.
I guess where I am going with this is that we should think of those times when we are really hurting and feeling like friends have left us behind as being trapped in a well someplace. If you were trapped in a well, you would holler like hell and never stop yelling for help. And you would trust that someone would eventually hear you and come after you.
Real friendship is the same way. Remember what you know about the people you tie yourself to. Remember the times they rise to the occasion effortlessly, and try to forgive times when, without thinking, they fall.
The world isn't really out to get you. Most of the time, the world is just trying to keep turning on its axis. Sometimes it spins too fast, too slow or in the wrong direction. But at least until the apocalypse, it usually will find a way to right itself.
Put Your Records on--Corinne Bailey Rae
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