So, time passes, and things we think we remember well, often are fragmented by time. I remember my grandpa saying something like "it's easy to be pleasant, but it takes work to be a horse's ass." As I sit here thinking about it, to me it seems like that statement should go in reverse, but there's no one handy to verify the saying.
Some days, I think it's easy to get caught up in things that aren't going well or right for us, and it's easy to give in to that and let it color the way we treat people around us. We don't necessarily intend to be mean or unhelpful, we just are. I've been thinking about it a lot lately, because for the last few months, a lot of things have been going really right for me that hadn't been, and I'm protective of that sea change.
I know there always will be bumps in the road, no matter how smooth the resurfacing job has been, but maybe it's not surprising that when I'm happy, I want others around me to be happy as well. I don't want one person's thoughtlessness stepping on someone I care about, because then there are three people who aren't on smooth footing--the person getting stepped on, the person doing the stepping, and me. There are probably others who are noting those moments and feeling those things too, but when you come out of the wilderness, it's almost like breathing clean air for the first time--you never want to give that up.
It's hard to just be nice, especially on a bad day, or minimally a day when you don't feel your best and nothing seems to be adding up. Today was kind of like that. It was so much work just to plow through the day that I barely had anything left in the tank for cordial, let alone nice.
On the way home, however, I thought about it. Someone I work with is going through a really worrisome situation. I'm not particularly close to this person. In fact, most of the time she drives me pretty crazy. But, I thought, "you know what, I could at least lend her a little hand." And so I did. It may not make a lot of difference, but at the end of the day, you spend more time with the people you work with than your own family most of the time, why can't we just be nice to each other?
Sometimes it's envy. The person you can't bear to be nice to has something going for them that you wish you had. As with Rosalie in "Eclipse," when she tells Bella that choosing to become a vampire is the biggest mistake she could make and that she would give anything to be in Bella's position so she could choose to live and have a real life. Immortality and ridiculous beauty evidently aren't everything they're cracked up to be.
Sometimes it's personality clashes. You just can't mesh with the other person, no matter how you might think you've tried. You may go out of your way to try and mold yourself to fit what works for the other person, but it's so far out of the realm of possibility that it just can't ever happen. It will always be a strain.
Sometimes we don't understand the words we say and the way we say them don't come across the way we mean them. We use sarcasm and humor to try and fit into situations that are hard for us because we don't have better tools. And we don't recognize when our efforts go awry and we've hurt or irritated others. I know I'm guilty of that from time to time.
But I think most of the time it's simple thoughtlessness. Thoughtless sounds like a really mean word, until you break it down. It truly just means 'without thought.' It's not because we don't like each other or we want to make things harder on each other, it's just that we act without thought.
When you're the recipient of 'the mean,' it's pretty hard to consider that maybe, just maybe no harm was intended.
I don't know if letting go of the difficult day and the way I was feeling will make any difference for my co-worker, but, I know if I were in her shoes, I would hope that someone would reach out and try to help me too--whether they like me or not.
How to Save a Life--The Fray
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Nevermore
The grace of the gray wind brushes her cheek,
and she hears a distant bell from nowhere
--silly imagination.
Words of a distant and long dead poet wrap 'round her,
as she dreams of a city by the sea lost forever
--drifting through ages.
Plans peel away like petals from the rose
and the dead whisper reminders of what we miss
--simply by not living.
The nails of the past leave the marks on her back,
she self consciously shies away from seeing them
--feeling them always behind.
Time is a clever thief, stealing away days and days,
giving empty minutes and hours to burn away
--no tomorrow.
The clang and the clatter of time crumbling away,
whisper that this moment has passed
--to be here, nevermore.
and she hears a distant bell from nowhere
--silly imagination.
Words of a distant and long dead poet wrap 'round her,
as she dreams of a city by the sea lost forever
--drifting through ages.
Plans peel away like petals from the rose
and the dead whisper reminders of what we miss
--simply by not living.
The nails of the past leave the marks on her back,
she self consciously shies away from seeing them
--feeling them always behind.
Time is a clever thief, stealing away days and days,
giving empty minutes and hours to burn away
--no tomorrow.
The clang and the clatter of time crumbling away,
whisper that this moment has passed
--to be here, nevermore.
January 19, 2012--So...what are you waiting for?
So, I think most of us think about the future and where we see ourselves in the years ahead. We make promises to ourselves and others. Our perfect lives are always on the horizon. We can just almost see them, but they are always beyond our reach.
It's hard to be ready to live. I think many of us are raised to have all of our ducks in a row before taking giant leaps. If you think about it, that statement is a major contradiction in and of itself. If you plan every moment of your life, there are no leaps.
I am the daughter of a woman who never graduated from high school. She and I essentially grew up together. I saw the tragedy of her life and all the dreams that got laid to waste by being a single teen mom, and I always said to myself "not me."
I was never going to let my life plan me. To an extent, I think I've always kind of been rather arrogant about that. I watch other people doing the same thing to different degrees. I never had a time-line in mind for marriage, owning a house or having children. I've known a handful of people who probably have a planner hidden in a drawer somewhere with all of the dates carefully pinned down.
The last couple of years have provided a lot of teaching moments in our household, most of which have not been pleasant. We lost a family member. We've had our work issues. We nearly lost a second family member last spring. And of course, Jeph has been one of many trying to cope with the loss of innocence that came with the destruction of much of his hometown.
After the storm clouds and debris started to clear, it occurred to Jeph that he was tired of waiting to live his life.
There's a lot of weight in that statement.
How many of us have said the words "someday I'm going to...?" I don't know if I get through a single day without saying them.
This is the third of three days I've had off this week. True, I didn't feel well yesterday, and I have been obsessively trying to teach myself to knit, but I didn't really do anything to further my life. Some people write novels 15 minutes at a time. What am I doing? I almost feel guilty.
I started reading Richard Engel's memoir about covering the Iraq War this week. I've always loved the news, and frankly, Engel is probably one of the most bad ass people on the entire planet. He's probably only second to Christiane Amanpour in my book.
Engel was essentially unaffiliated at the beginning of the Iraq War. He had moved to the Middle East and lived in dumps as he learned Arabic, the culture and politics of the region. He had no legitimate way into Iraq, but he knew he had to get there. He couldn't wait for a reporter's visa. He got in with a visa for "peace activists." He got into the country by declaring himself to be a human shield for Saddam's regime. Who does that kind of crazy thing? Someone who can't wait to start living his life.
Today, he is the head foreign correspondent for NBC News. Every time I see him, I think, "man, what a stud!" And I thought that even before I knew that he strapped $20,000 into an Ace bandage around his ankle, pretended not to be able to speak Arabic in front of Iraqi officials, and bought off drivers, cops and during a drinking binge, he inadvertently revealed himself to someone who probably could have had him for lunch.
It all could have ended badly. But instead, he's living a life that probably exceeds his dreams. I would at least argue that it exceeds what he planned.
In lighter fair, it reminds me of the moment in "Twilight Saga:New Moon," when Bella is arguing with Edward about changing her into a vampire, and she looks at him and asks "What are you waiting for?" Presumably, Edward has been living a decent life for most of the previous 100 years, but once he meets Bella, he realizes that his life hasn't really had any life until now. Why would he want to wait another moment to be with her in every possible way? It's hard to fathom. Even Bella doesn't need 100 years to figure out that life is for now, not later, when she declares that she will marry Edward in "Twilight Saga: Eclipse," and she tells him that she is ready to start living her life.
Why is it that only people on television or in quirky teen vampire movies understand that life is for now? Oscar Wilde is credited with saying "Be yourself, everyone else is taken." I think we should go one better. Live your life now, you only get one chance. Sure, there are plenty of people who believe in Heaven and an afterlife, and maybe you're holding out for that, but a lot of people also play the lottery and never win. Why chance it?
As we all watch the sad images of that cruise ship off the coast of Italy, we see tragedy. Among those lost was a couple who had been waiting all their lives to take a trip around the world. They worked. They raised children. They did what they were supposed to do and they played by the rules. I'm sure that they didn't have any regrets about the way they had built their lives, but I wish they hadn't waited all that time, only to end up at the bottom of the sea. I bet their children do too. I wish they'd let the grandparents take care of the kids and they'd run up a giant credit card debt instead of waiting.
We plan and live ourselves into a corner. I forget this myself, until I get to a concert and find myself without a camera. It always occurs to me in that moment that I'm going to have to just be. I'm not going to get a perfect shot. My soul is going to have to get the perfect shot and I am going to have to be there in order to "record" the memory.
When I was fortunate enough to get kidnapped for a weekend last month, I had nothing to do with the planning. I didn't know where we were going or what we were going to do. It was some of the best time I've spent in a long time. I wish there were weekends and weekends more like that.
I regret waiting for someday, and for things to be "just so." As we consider adding another human to our family, I realize that I have waited until the last minute. Right now, I'm all about not making a big deal out of that. I guess as the months go by and the reality of all this waiting and ambivalence sets in, we'll have to remember what we have. We'll have to consciously decide not to look backward since we unconsciously spent so much time looking forward.
As the sun starts to cross over to the west end of the sky, I realize I'm letting another day slip away. Life is the breath you are taking right now. Life is the song on your radio. It's the dog at your feet. There is no tomorrow.
In the End--Snow Patrol
It's hard to be ready to live. I think many of us are raised to have all of our ducks in a row before taking giant leaps. If you think about it, that statement is a major contradiction in and of itself. If you plan every moment of your life, there are no leaps.
I am the daughter of a woman who never graduated from high school. She and I essentially grew up together. I saw the tragedy of her life and all the dreams that got laid to waste by being a single teen mom, and I always said to myself "not me."
I was never going to let my life plan me. To an extent, I think I've always kind of been rather arrogant about that. I watch other people doing the same thing to different degrees. I never had a time-line in mind for marriage, owning a house or having children. I've known a handful of people who probably have a planner hidden in a drawer somewhere with all of the dates carefully pinned down.
The last couple of years have provided a lot of teaching moments in our household, most of which have not been pleasant. We lost a family member. We've had our work issues. We nearly lost a second family member last spring. And of course, Jeph has been one of many trying to cope with the loss of innocence that came with the destruction of much of his hometown.
After the storm clouds and debris started to clear, it occurred to Jeph that he was tired of waiting to live his life.
There's a lot of weight in that statement.
How many of us have said the words "someday I'm going to...?" I don't know if I get through a single day without saying them.
This is the third of three days I've had off this week. True, I didn't feel well yesterday, and I have been obsessively trying to teach myself to knit, but I didn't really do anything to further my life. Some people write novels 15 minutes at a time. What am I doing? I almost feel guilty.
I started reading Richard Engel's memoir about covering the Iraq War this week. I've always loved the news, and frankly, Engel is probably one of the most bad ass people on the entire planet. He's probably only second to Christiane Amanpour in my book.
Engel was essentially unaffiliated at the beginning of the Iraq War. He had moved to the Middle East and lived in dumps as he learned Arabic, the culture and politics of the region. He had no legitimate way into Iraq, but he knew he had to get there. He couldn't wait for a reporter's visa. He got in with a visa for "peace activists." He got into the country by declaring himself to be a human shield for Saddam's regime. Who does that kind of crazy thing? Someone who can't wait to start living his life.
Today, he is the head foreign correspondent for NBC News. Every time I see him, I think, "man, what a stud!" And I thought that even before I knew that he strapped $20,000 into an Ace bandage around his ankle, pretended not to be able to speak Arabic in front of Iraqi officials, and bought off drivers, cops and during a drinking binge, he inadvertently revealed himself to someone who probably could have had him for lunch.
It all could have ended badly. But instead, he's living a life that probably exceeds his dreams. I would at least argue that it exceeds what he planned.
In lighter fair, it reminds me of the moment in "Twilight Saga:New Moon," when Bella is arguing with Edward about changing her into a vampire, and she looks at him and asks "What are you waiting for?" Presumably, Edward has been living a decent life for most of the previous 100 years, but once he meets Bella, he realizes that his life hasn't really had any life until now. Why would he want to wait another moment to be with her in every possible way? It's hard to fathom. Even Bella doesn't need 100 years to figure out that life is for now, not later, when she declares that she will marry Edward in "Twilight Saga: Eclipse," and she tells him that she is ready to start living her life.
Why is it that only people on television or in quirky teen vampire movies understand that life is for now? Oscar Wilde is credited with saying "Be yourself, everyone else is taken." I think we should go one better. Live your life now, you only get one chance. Sure, there are plenty of people who believe in Heaven and an afterlife, and maybe you're holding out for that, but a lot of people also play the lottery and never win. Why chance it?
As we all watch the sad images of that cruise ship off the coast of Italy, we see tragedy. Among those lost was a couple who had been waiting all their lives to take a trip around the world. They worked. They raised children. They did what they were supposed to do and they played by the rules. I'm sure that they didn't have any regrets about the way they had built their lives, but I wish they hadn't waited all that time, only to end up at the bottom of the sea. I bet their children do too. I wish they'd let the grandparents take care of the kids and they'd run up a giant credit card debt instead of waiting.
We plan and live ourselves into a corner. I forget this myself, until I get to a concert and find myself without a camera. It always occurs to me in that moment that I'm going to have to just be. I'm not going to get a perfect shot. My soul is going to have to get the perfect shot and I am going to have to be there in order to "record" the memory.
When I was fortunate enough to get kidnapped for a weekend last month, I had nothing to do with the planning. I didn't know where we were going or what we were going to do. It was some of the best time I've spent in a long time. I wish there were weekends and weekends more like that.
I regret waiting for someday, and for things to be "just so." As we consider adding another human to our family, I realize that I have waited until the last minute. Right now, I'm all about not making a big deal out of that. I guess as the months go by and the reality of all this waiting and ambivalence sets in, we'll have to remember what we have. We'll have to consciously decide not to look backward since we unconsciously spent so much time looking forward.
As the sun starts to cross over to the west end of the sky, I realize I'm letting another day slip away. Life is the breath you are taking right now. Life is the song on your radio. It's the dog at your feet. There is no tomorrow.
In the End--Snow Patrol
Saturday, January 7, 2012
January 7, 2012--We always hurt the ones we love. Remember when we don't.
So, occasionally, we hit a phase of our lives where most everything seems to be in good order and a strange sort of happiness washes over us--if we're lucky. I can't explain it, but, I've managed to find myself in one of these phases. It's like a parallel universe or something that I don't want to take for granted.
The strange thing about it is that I find myself in moments of clarity that I would not otherwise see. This week, it occurred to me that even when we surround ourselves with people we love and enjoy so much, we can't help but sometimes hurt each other. It's not maliciousness, it's proximity and thoughtlessness.
Every day of our lives, we work, we hang out together, we care about each other and we care about ourselves. As much as those things work out together most of the time, occasionally they don't, and in pursuing our own wants and needs, or in validating our own values or moral codes, we step on each other.
I know people who have lost long time friends. I've lost long time friends. We ache and dwell on those losses sometimes. I think that it's because we don't understand why some things overpower the strength of ties we believe to be unbreakable.
One of my friends said she feels like it's hard to hold friendships together. I think that can be true. In a moment of hurt, we consciously or unconsciously make a choice: We have the option to remember what we know about a person and hold onto the goodness that binds us to them, or to completely disregard it and leave them behind. In times of hurt, we don't always process things before we make those choices.
Right now, I'm grateful for changes that have little to do with my own actions that have reminded me of this. For a while, I found myself in a bubble I couldn't break. I found myself desperately trying to remember the good, when hurting made me feel defensive and like I needed to walk away. When we've been hurt or put in bad positions, it's natural to want to protect ourselves from harm, and sometimes we do that by pushing people away and closing ourselves off.
While it's true that nobody can make our journeys through life for us, we can choose to share those journeys with others. Sometimes we even have to.
I think life is sometimes like the muscles around your lower spine: When they are in good shape, you can carry two dogs up and down stairs all day long, when they're not, even that thirteen pounder can be too much for you. When you can't lift and carry, you have to do one of two things: stay where you are, or ask for help.
It's hard to ask for help, but sometimes, you just can't carry your own weight. If we're lucky, there's nothing in the way for people to come to your rescue without being asked, but much of the time, we have to be brave enough to ask. Much of the time, we have to remember the people we want to ask for help probably want to help us, even it feels like there's distance.
I guess where I am going with this is that we should think of those times when we are really hurting and feeling like friends have left us behind as being trapped in a well someplace. If you were trapped in a well, you would holler like hell and never stop yelling for help. And you would trust that someone would eventually hear you and come after you.
Real friendship is the same way. Remember what you know about the people you tie yourself to. Remember the times they rise to the occasion effortlessly, and try to forgive times when, without thinking, they fall.
The world isn't really out to get you. Most of the time, the world is just trying to keep turning on its axis. Sometimes it spins too fast, too slow or in the wrong direction. But at least until the apocalypse, it usually will find a way to right itself.
Put Your Records on--Corinne Bailey Rae
The strange thing about it is that I find myself in moments of clarity that I would not otherwise see. This week, it occurred to me that even when we surround ourselves with people we love and enjoy so much, we can't help but sometimes hurt each other. It's not maliciousness, it's proximity and thoughtlessness.
Every day of our lives, we work, we hang out together, we care about each other and we care about ourselves. As much as those things work out together most of the time, occasionally they don't, and in pursuing our own wants and needs, or in validating our own values or moral codes, we step on each other.
I know people who have lost long time friends. I've lost long time friends. We ache and dwell on those losses sometimes. I think that it's because we don't understand why some things overpower the strength of ties we believe to be unbreakable.
One of my friends said she feels like it's hard to hold friendships together. I think that can be true. In a moment of hurt, we consciously or unconsciously make a choice: We have the option to remember what we know about a person and hold onto the goodness that binds us to them, or to completely disregard it and leave them behind. In times of hurt, we don't always process things before we make those choices.
Right now, I'm grateful for changes that have little to do with my own actions that have reminded me of this. For a while, I found myself in a bubble I couldn't break. I found myself desperately trying to remember the good, when hurting made me feel defensive and like I needed to walk away. When we've been hurt or put in bad positions, it's natural to want to protect ourselves from harm, and sometimes we do that by pushing people away and closing ourselves off.
While it's true that nobody can make our journeys through life for us, we can choose to share those journeys with others. Sometimes we even have to.
I think life is sometimes like the muscles around your lower spine: When they are in good shape, you can carry two dogs up and down stairs all day long, when they're not, even that thirteen pounder can be too much for you. When you can't lift and carry, you have to do one of two things: stay where you are, or ask for help.
It's hard to ask for help, but sometimes, you just can't carry your own weight. If we're lucky, there's nothing in the way for people to come to your rescue without being asked, but much of the time, we have to be brave enough to ask. Much of the time, we have to remember the people we want to ask for help probably want to help us, even it feels like there's distance.
I guess where I am going with this is that we should think of those times when we are really hurting and feeling like friends have left us behind as being trapped in a well someplace. If you were trapped in a well, you would holler like hell and never stop yelling for help. And you would trust that someone would eventually hear you and come after you.
Real friendship is the same way. Remember what you know about the people you tie yourself to. Remember the times they rise to the occasion effortlessly, and try to forgive times when, without thinking, they fall.
The world isn't really out to get you. Most of the time, the world is just trying to keep turning on its axis. Sometimes it spins too fast, too slow or in the wrong direction. But at least until the apocalypse, it usually will find a way to right itself.
Put Your Records on--Corinne Bailey Rae
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