So, from time to time, we hurt other people. Most of the time, it’s simply the result of a careless word, or unintended slight. Occasionally, it’s because we think something we feel is more valid than the other person’s feelings.
We can’t undo hurts that we cause, but we can accept responsibility, and try to make amends. This can’t happen when we hurt someone, and don’t recognize our role in the situation, or that a hurt has even happened.
I have been watching a dear friend struggle with one such situation, and today, I witnessed something similar, but on a smaller scale. It has me thinking a lot about how easy it is to put our own feelings ahead of those of someone else—even when the relationship between you and the other person is significant.
In close relationships, we always hope that people we care about—whether friends or family—will have our best interests at heart, and will try to offer support and understanding when we most need it. From time to time, we all need soft places to land, and to feel like we can seek the counsel or comfort of those to whom we are close.
It’s soul-crushing, confusing, and unsettling when we ask for that soft place, only to be thrown out in the cold, because the person we sought that counsel and comfort from steamrolls us with how possible outcomes will impact them, rather than seeing the struggle we are going through. The situation becomes all the more complicated when there are other loved ones to think about.
How do you, as the hurt party, confront the situation without escalating it, and potentially destroying more than one connection? It’s a tough thing to balance, especially if you believe that confronting the person who hurt you is unlikely to change their perspective. What if the other person feels so entitled to their viewpoint, that standing up for yourself will only create more bad feelings, and worsen already strained connections?
I wish I knew the answer. I know that some of us will do anything, and everything we can to right a wrong—no matter how small it might seem.
In a situation in which I found myself involved today, I discovered that a soft place I had created for my friends had presented a sharp edge. That “edge” was the result of a personal struggle that I had brought to the table. Not everyone involved in the conversation felt heard and valued. And sadly, I felt like my efforts to make amends got hijacked in the process.
We all have similar emotional needs, even if not similar triggers. In some circles, we may even share similar histories and traumas, but we don’t necessarily respond to triggers or social interactions in the same way. We may actually pile on when someone feels attacked, instead of recognizing that the other person’s viewpoint and feelings may be different, but that doesn’t make them less valid.
We’ve all been that person who felt shutdown in a place we thought we should be safe. It sucks. It’s not right. And it really makes some of us question if it’s even possible to move forward in the relationship or the space in which it happened.
In a social setting where we may only be acquaintances with other people in the group, it’s easy to weigh the pros and cons of remaining, and to cut our losses when we walk away. We may feel the sting of the situation, and it may cause an old set of wounds to unnecessarily open for an afternoon, but we are unlikely to ever have to face those who hurt us again.
In some cases, the hurt either runs so deep, or it is the exclamation point to a hundred others, and disconnection is easy—surgical, complete. In others, the hurt is extremely deep, but disconnection is complicated—the hurts are cumulative and the immediate hurt feels like a last straw, but disconnection will certainly harm others we care about. None of the options on the table will provide resolution, and the only thing confrontation is likely to bring is a feeling of closure—possibly to the entire relationship.
When we are hurting because someone we counted on has been careless with our feelings, it’s hard to focus on which battles are worth fighting. If the fight is essentially the nuclear option, nobody walks away a winner. It absolutely sucks when someone we share our struggles and feelings with tears us down, and it isn’t wrong to want to stand up for ourselves. But maybe, being the bigger person isn’t so much sparing the feelings of the person who hurt us as it is assessing the possible collateral damage.
As much as I struggle with sharing this Louis CK quote, it really says what I want to say so eloquently that I have to hold my nose and just use it:
“When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn‘t.”
And hopefully when you do hurt someone, you see the impact, accept your part in the hurt, and try to make amends for it.
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