Sometimes, you really can’t make it on your own.

So, twice in the last week, the worst possible result of mental illness has taken the lives of people who seemed to have it all.

Most of us would have identified Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain as people who had built lives that were grand, strong, and in many respects, untouchable. We didn’t know them, but their presence in our lives for their respective reasons gave us license to feel connected to them—even if only loosely.

I never owned a Kate Spade bag or accessory. I have liked some of them, and even coveted them a little, but even when I made my own money, I never would have indulged myself at that level.

I only occasionally watched Anthony Bourdain’s different series over the years, but his rock ‘n’ roll approach to travel, exploring unique cuisines, and other cultures always left me a little in awe.

I knew absolutely nothing about Kate Spade, other than her relationship to David Spade, and the fact that she had lived in Kansas City. I didn’t know her story.

I knew that Anthony Bourdain had stumbled down a checkered path with substances, and due to his chosen profession, he had probably sustained plenty of scars, some of which didn’t come from a gas burner or careless knife handling.

Both of these celebrities had so much to “be happy” about. They were well-known, well-loved, wealthy, untethered to so many of the anchors that most average people feel in their daily lives. They had so much going for them.

But here’s the thing: Mental illness does something to us that most people don’t realize. Mental illness—depression, anxiety, addiction, post traumatic stress disorder—perpetrates a crime. It steals our identities. It steals the part of us that we identify as ourselves, and leaves behind something very different

Sometimes dress up hides our pain.

. Feelings of sadness, anxiety, hopelessness, despair, or lack of control don’t necessarily infiltrate our lives everyday, but at times, they can surface so fiercely, and without warning, that we find ourselves spiraling when yesterday we were fine. And it doesn’t necessarily require a trigger. It can be cumulative, and we can reach a breaking point at which the load is just too heavy, and it’s suddenly a lethal combination.

Many are quick to label those who commit suicide as being selfish. After all, the deep void they leave behind is often deeper, because unless you’ve been suicidal, it’s very hard to fathom. It’s hard to understand that when you spiral into this abyss of despair, you’re not always trying to relieve your own pain, but instead, you are frequently trying to unburden those you love by lifting your weight from their lives.

Mental illness is a great deceiver. It whispers lies that twist inside your darkness and make sense when nothing real does. It tells you that those you love are better off not having to worry about you along with their other troubles. It tells you that when people are kind to you, it’s not because you are worthy of that kindness, but because they feel obligated, or they’re just being polite. It finds all the holes in your confidence and sense of self, and it gnaws away at them, until you are filled with doubt, and who you are is both shredded, and unrecognizable.

Not knowing anything about Kate Spade, I wasn’t aware that she had actually sold her brand just over a decade ago until I read an article about her after her sudden death. She had recently changed her legal name to Kate Valentine, and had launched a new brand called “Frances Valentine.” Her new brand hadn’t performed as well as her original effort.

But aside from whether or not her new venture was as much a success as her original venture, can you even imagine what it must be like to find yourself in a position where you can’t even call yourself, or your work by your own name? Sure, selling her company was her choice, but for someone who battles mental illness, struggling to find an identity in a chaotic emotional state can make you a much easier target.

And that’s why it happens. 

As for Anthony, a couple of articles I read today discuss his openness about struggling with addiction and depressive episodes. On at least a couple of occasions, he talked about the kinds of things that would trigger him. One really struck me.

In an episode of his show “Parts Unknown”,  he talks to a therapist about something that had triggered a near breakdown. He and his crew were preparing to film a staged fishing scene. Dead squid were being tossed into the water around him. In the therapy session, he reflects on the event.

"For some reason I feel something snap, and I slide quickly into a spiral of near hysterical depression. Is this what it's come to, I'm thinking as another dead squid narrowly misses my head,” Bourdain narrated. “Back in the same country almost a decade later, and I'm still desperately staging fishing scenes?”

He also talks about a nightmare in which he is in a hotel, but cannot check out, and cannot find home. He doesn’t know where to go to get home.

Sense of integrity and grounding seem very apparently to have been traits Bourdain strived toward in his work, both in the kitchen, and on his shows. I could easily imagine a staged scene making him feel like a fraud—and I can also easily imagine how bad that taste would have been in his mouth. Having a home—a place to ground yourself and regroup is a basic necessity, and not just a physical home. Being set apart from others can prove so isolating that you are left to look at yourself, and your life from a distance.

Again, a loss of identity, connection to self, and who you are as a person is the crack in the armor even someone as seemingly strong as Anthony Bourdain has trouble fighting.

We’re living in a tough time. There’s a lot of crazy swirling around in the world. It can be difficult to process all of it without some of it sticking to you. It doesn’t take much to trigger deep pain, especially if it’s not buried as deeply as you thought.

I would never discourage anyone from checking in with a friend if you suspect they’re in trouble, but it’s also important to understand that when they respond, the part of them reassuring you that they are “just tired,” “just busy,” “a little stressed,” and any number of other things we say to persuade people that we are fine may not be the person you think you know.

It’s hard to ask for help when you are swept away into the maelstrom of nonsensically troubling, but deafening thoughts and emotions. Being strong enough to ask for help when you need it is an Olympic level feat.

Helping someone who can’t ask for help, and who cannot let you in is also an Olympic level feat. Does that mean you shouldn’t try? Of course not. It might mean that we have to do something really hard. We might have to connect more deeply, and more honestly with the people we love, so we can better perceive when something feels “off” with them. It may mean that we have to be willing to take risks with the relationship in order to lead them to other loved ones or professionals who can get them the help they can’t ask for.

The loss of Kate Valentine and Anthony Bourdain in this way seems like a wake up call to those on the outside of mental illness, and recovery. But for those of us who have fought demons, and who occasionally find ourselves chasing them away again, their loss is a chilling reminder that things are not always what they appear to be, and no matter how beautiful the “picture”, not being able to connect with your real identity can pull anyone under.

So, I will never own a “Kate Spade” bag, because in the end, she was struggling to find herself as Kate Valentine, and if ever I am lucky enough to indulge myself with such a bag, I will choose to honor her struggle for self by choosing a Frances Valentine bag.

Th next time I travel, I will try to get out of my own comfort zone at the table, and take a few more chances to live a bit on the edge. I will honor the spirit of reckless grit that Anthony Bourdain brought to every table upon which he broke bread, and raised a glass.

And in the meantime, I will try to be kind to myself in my own struggles, and I will try to be on the lookout for those I love who seem to be lost at sea. When we are feeling strong enough in ourselves, we need to be willing to carry someone who is not.

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