Parenting, personal peace, and politics.

So, I know that I talk a lot about, write a lot about, and get fired up about politics, social injustices, and everything associated with those things. I also know that there are probably people who just don’t want to hear it anymore, ignore it, or even just avoid me.

I understand. We may disagree, and I might feel that it’s so vital to the greater good that we should all care at a high level. But I truly do get that not everyone shares that feeling.

One of the reasons I often feel compelled to share my views is because in a lot of ways, it’s one of the few things I can do. I have been passionate about politics and making the world a better place since I was in third grade. Activism is a hands on, contact sport. It requires the ability to participate, help organize, and lend a hand. I’m not as able to do those things as I often wish I was. That frequently leaves me in the position of Internet warrior—signing petitions, sending emails, occasionally turning up at gatherings or marches, and making tiny donations to causes that truly help the people I see being marginalized, forgotten, or harmed.

Another reason is because even though it raises my ire, and there’s only so much I can actually do to effect change, it’s at least a subject I can wrap my head around. It’s an outlet for so many frustrations that I feel myself battling on much more personal levels.

I always thought that I would be teaching my daughter about empathy, kindness, equality, our role in the web of life, and our shared humanity. Obviously, I knew that I would be teaching her about these things in different ways, and at different stages. I thought that when I was going to a march or a gathering of some sort, I would be taking her along, and modeling the behaviors, values, and ideals that her father and I think are so important.

But I can’t take her with me. Not even when an event is not likely to last a long time. I love her. She’s the center of my life now, and she is my greatest challenge.

Since just before she turned three, our daughter has given us what feels like an endless roller coaster ride of ups and downs. She started having more frequent and substantial meltdowns that often lead to aggressive behavior, and other behaviors that astound us.

She throws things with intent to harm or destroy. She hits. She kicks. She name calls. She even very recently started threatening to pee during these episodes, and on two occasions, she has actually followed through. She frequently laughs during these episodes, which is almost worse than anything else about them. Today, she threw a hairbrush across the room and hit me so hard on the bridge of the nose that I won’t be surprised if I wake up with a black eye tomorrow.

I feel myself tense up, and tighten up, just thinking about leaving her with anyone. What will shedo when I’m not there? Will this situation go as badly as the last one? My husband and I have not had an evening or even an hour away from her in over six months.

She will will be a rockstar. 

I can’t take her to marches or gatherings, because if she strays, gets into mischief, or does something unsafe or inappropriate, I cannot be certain that I won’t have to drag her away—hitting, kicking, screaming, and now peeing. When I tell her to stop a behavior, she frequently ignores me, or looks straight through me. It makes me even more concerned that I might not be able to keep her safe. And so, I am an Internet warrior for justice, because I cannot be an active participant in all of the ways I would like to be.

I have spent hours reading, researching, brainstorming, and changing the ways I do things to more effectively parent. I have tried charts, rewards, timeouts, time ins, choices, consequences, love, logic, and even spanking. She’s been in play therapy for over a year, we talked to a psychologist, and she just qualified and started occupational therapy. This week, she qualified for speech therapy.

I spend a lot of my time feeling frustrated, inadequate, tired, overwhelmed, and stressed. The only thing that I have ever done that compares is working veterinary emergency, where I often felt I didn’t know enough, wasn’t skilled enough, and wasn’t even physically strong and fit enough to be of help to my colleagues, or my patients.

I know every parent feels like they fail at times. I feel it multiple times a day—everyday.

Her difficulty with self-regulation, and emotional regulation triggers my own issues with self-regulation, and emotional regulation. I’ve gotten some amazing professional, and medical help, but there are moments when I still blow it. 

I knew that parenting wasn’t a walk in the park. I just didn’t anticipate the kinds of hard that this last year or so has brought. I never imagined that I would be icing my nose because my four-year-old intentionally harmed me. I never imagined I would be seriously considering homeschooling her, because I am so uncertain that she can manage the social and behavioral expectations of a classroom.

I never want to seem to be complaining, or to be anything but delighted that she is here. We wanted her desperately. We struggled desperately to have her. We love her desperately. She is the most important thing in our world. There is nothing she needs that we won’t try to do for her.

I know she’s going to be alright. I know we are all going to be alright. And I know that all of the glimmers of joy, happiness, and amazingness I see in her are going to win out over the current madness.

So, yeah, I find myself looking for outlets—things about which I can be outspoken and opinionated. I cannot unleash about everything that I feel about my personal struggles each day. So, I give myself permission to breathe fire about everything else in the world that is out of balance, because so little in my own days feels balanced.

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