I had a moment in my car, when I was thinking of a friend. I was out of town, and I just suddenly missed her, and felt so grateful to have her in my life. It made me immediately start thinking about grateful November. And even though I failed at getting there, I was thinking that sometimes, we think about people at certain moments for big reasons that we cannot understand. And at those times, maybe we should take the moment for what it is, and let that person know what is in our hearts about them.
I was going to start doing a daily gratitude moment everyday, but I didn’t get to it—just like I so often don’t get to a lot of things. It wasn’t about November not being a good time, it was about a feeling of urgency.
Sometimes, we unexpectedly lose people from our lives, and we never say what we were thinking. Sometimes, we gradually drift away from people, and realize we have lost track of how to get in touch again. Sometimes, there are things we know a person needs to hear, but we are simply too afraid to say them.
I found myself mostly thinking about the last statement in that list—being afraid to say things. That may seem strange. After all, I don’t seem to have a problem sharing just about anything I am thinking about a lot of things. But the reality is that sometimes, we think or feel things about others that seem more intimate than anything we might share about ourselves.
We can be embarrassed by our own kindness. We can feel awkward about our observations of others. We can believe our thoughts and feelings wouldn’t matter to the person, and would only create a strangeness that makes things uncomfortable.
In the moment I was thinking about my friend, I was wishing she was with me to do some of our shared favorite things, and to visit our shared favorite places. We all have those special people, with whom we always go certain places, and do certain things. When we find ourselves doing those things alone, or with other people, the experience is never the same. I found myself pulling over to message her that I was thinking of her, and missing her presence. I had lost her from my life for a long period of time, and I decided to never leave things unsaid.
It occurred to me as I was doing this that I didn’t understand why we let the fear of embarrassment, awkwardness, or discomfort prevent us from sharing the parts of our hearts that care, or think genuine thoughts. I decided to work very hard to stop that mental wrestling match within myself that so often convinces me not to share kind words, deeply felt feelings, or just random things I think that might give someone a moment of happiness that they wouldn’t have had.
I’m still working at it, but even as I struggle to get those words where they need to go, I believe in the idea. I believe a kind word or thought can be as meaningful to someone who needs it as talking a jumper off a bridge. I believe it, because I absolutely know how much I have been helped by the kind words and gestures of others at times I thought I was alone, or that I was damaged.
I think maturity, learning manners, and being strictly guided about what is appropriate to say and what is not truly stunts our ability to build deep friendships and to grow our own sense of confidence and self-worth.
As I take my daughter places to play, she frequently seeks out someone with whom she can play. As a mom who never wants to see her child hurt, I cringe every time she approaches an older child, or a child within a group and asks ‘Will you be my friend?’. It’s a sweet, and endearing request. It’s honest, and forthright. She means ‘Will you play with me?’, but in her mind, anyone she plays with is a friend. As an adult, I would never approach someone and ask them to be my friend, even though quite often, that is exactly what I am seeking.
Rejection, embarrassment, and unexpected reactions train us to develop insecurities, self-doubt, and protective outer shells. Baring our souls to people we wish to know better, or become closer with feels risky. I think this is especially true among women. We are afraid to say what we think, for fear of being judged and/or rejected, and we are afraid to ask the questions we need to in order to learn more about the people in our lives.
We end up hoping, and waiting for moments when we can let our own guard down, and stop holding our breath as we get to know each other. It’s as if we have placed ourselves in an emotional standoff—both people waiting for the other to reveal a deeper truth that solidifies our connection. When we finally stop guarding ourselves from each other, we are taking a risk. We are taking a chance that who we are will be too much for the other person, or that we have mistaken the strength of the connection. But we are also, potentially, taking the risk that we can connect with someone on a deeper level, and offer friendship and meaning to each other’s lives, and struggles in ways that build each other up.
I have struggled with friendship in recent years. I have lost people from my life who were generous and kind to me in moments of darkness. I have learned that some people come back to us, and allow their guards to come down again, as before. I have learned that others return, but their guards will always be at the surface. But I have also learned that things that are real in life are priceless. People who will share their truth with you, and say ‘This is who I am, take me or leave me,’ are hard to find.
None of us wants to be hurt, but the real pain lies in hiding the things, feelings, and thoughts that make friendship real, and still calling it friendship.
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